Lord knows this is not the sort of thing guys brag about. But my wife and I have a ridiculously happy marriage. Really, it's almost disgusting.
We paw each other in public. We goof around like a pair of simpletons. We basically act like giddy newlyweds in the middle of happy hour. Sometimes we'll do something so revolting, like sitting on the couch and drawing smiley faces on the bottoms of each other's feet, that we're forced to make hacking, gagging noises to maintain our dignity. Actually, this happened just last week.
See, I told you it was disgusting.
It hasn't always been this way. In fact, I'm not ashamed to admit that our current marital bliss is the result of almost a year of counseling, a desperate effort undertaken several years ago, when we appeared destined for doom. What we learned then is something all happy couples eventually discover: A good marriage is a bit like a pet boa constrictor: either you feed it every day or bad things happen. Daily habits are extremely helpful in forging solid marriages, says couples therapist Tina Tessina, author of How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free. "If you're really interested in making your relationship work, little rituals are a great way to do it."
Want examples? Look no further than Tessina and her husband, Richard, who have developed an array of daily relationship builders during their 19 years of marriage: Every morning, they repeat their wedding vows to each other; they hold regular state-of-the-union meetings; and (my personal favorite) Tina routinely leaves Post-it Notes for Richard ("Hi, honey! Have a great day!") stuck to the underside of the toilet seat (think about it).
"Every marriage has what I call a relationship reservoir, or the stored-up emotional energy of the relationship," says Tessina. And although these daily habits are all very simple things, they help fill that reservoir. When there's a lot of positive energy there, you give each other a little pat on the butt or say, "I'm so glad I'm sharing my life with you," and you're storing it up. Then when the relationship is under stress, you'll have the energy you need to get through.
We asked happy couples across the United States to tell us about marriage-strengthening solutions they've developed. Try your hand at incorporating a few into your daily life and maybe you can be as ridiculously, embarrassingly, revoltingly happily married as I am.
Daily Habit #1: Talk to Each Other
Want to know the one thing that's most important to a successful marriage? That's easy. Walk up to your husband and surprise him with this one-question relationship quiz:
You: "Honey, what do you think is the one thing most important to a successful marriage?"
Him: "Umm, uh did you say something?"
And, well, there you have it.
Happily married couples typically say their relationships work better when they can sit down and gab one-on-one, like thinking, feeling adults. But who's got time for that? Actually, anybody who sleeps at night, if you follow the lead of Julie and Thom and their nightly visits to their "igloo."
"It all started one winter night years ago, when Julie had had a really bad day," says Thom, 33, a marketing director in Columbus, Ohio. "We were huddled under the covers of our bed, and Julie was describing how all the people who made her day miserable were 'bad polar bears' and how she didn't want any of the bad polar bears coming into the bedroom and how the bed was our refuge from them. You realize how embarrassing it is to admit this, right? Anyway, that's when we started calling the bed the igloo."
"The igloo is a place to retreat to," says Julie, 31. "It's our little sanctuary; only nice things happen in the igloo."
Eventually Julie and Thom began holding a powwow in the igloo at the end of every day, making a nightly excursion that Julie says has become a vital part of their five-year marriage.
"It's funny, because I always thought that when you lived with somebody, you'd automatically know everything that was going on," she says. "But we find that if we don't take that time to connect with each other, it's really easy for life to get in the way. The igloo offers one of the few times in the day where there's not a whole heck of a lot else going on, so you're able to focus on each other in a deeper way."
Of course, you don't need to christen major pieces of furniture with cute nicknames to improve the communication in your marriage. You simply have to set aside a few minutes every day to remind each other of why you got married in the first place. And there are as many ways to do that as there are marriages in America.
Lori and Joe, who are happily married in Philadelphia, have a nightly ritual they call crook time. That's when Lori cuddles up in the "crook" of Joe's shoulder and they talk. "The name's a little sappy," Lori admits, "but it's always a nice way for us to catch up."
Every night, Angie and Bob walk their pet Chihuahua, Chachi, through the streets of Brookline, Massachusetts. In addition to keeping Chachi from picking dogfights he could never win ("He has a bit of a Napoleon complex," Bob says), they use the time to strengthen their 11-year marriage.
It may be going a bit far to emulate Tim and Jill, a Connecticut couple who somewhat sheepishly admit that they check in with each other from work "six, maybe seven times a day," Tim says, "sometimes a dozen times when we're really being crazy." (Jill says, slightly more defiantly, "He's just my best friend, and our marriage is a great partnership, and there's no one I'd rather talk to.")
Then again, if you've been married 10 years and still want to talk to each other 10 times a day, you must be doing something right.
Daily Habit #2: Flirt
Back when you were 14 years old, you probably figured that once you got married, you'd have sex just about every day. (Well, maybe teenage girls don't think that way. But let me tell you, 14-year-old boys sure do.) And why not? Sex is free. It's fun. And it doesn't require the purchase of any equipment, besides the occasional bottle of vegetable oil and about 20 feet of nylon rope.
But as they get older, most couples realize that having sex every night isn't possible, let alone a worthy goal. Indeed, a 1994 University of Chicago survey of Americans' sexual habits found that only about a third of adults have sex more than once a week. Granted, that number might have been higher if all the couples having sex more frequently had stopped to take the surveyor's phone call, but clearly, sex for most married couples is far from a daily reality.
That doesn't mean, though, that you can't at least talk sexy every day, and that's the approach that Ed and Stephanie have taken in the more than six years they've been together.
"It's funny," says Ed, a 33-year-old San Francisco cab driver, "because we know plenty of married couples who fight, a lot, about how often they have sex. The wife's upset because all he ever wants to do is have sex; the husband's upset because he doesn't think they have sex enough. But this has never really been a problem with us, and I think it has a lot do with the fact that we're always talking sexy to each other."
"Absolutely," says Stephanie, a 32-year-old massage therapist. "We're always complimenting each other, tossing out fantasies, telling each other we're hot. He gets to feel like he can have sexual feelings, and I feel like I don't have to have sex all the time to appear attractive.
"Let's put it this way: The way I see it, sex is like chocolate cake. After five days of eating chocolate cake, even chocolate cake doesn't taste that great."
"Right," Ed says, "but after five days of talking about chocolate cake?"
"That cake tastes damn good."
Daily Habit #3: Get Stupid Together
Eavesdrop on a conversation between Bob and Angie concerning their favorite shared pastime.
"We are so disgusting. This is so pathetic. It's like a sickness."
"But it makes us happy!"
"It's so stupid it makes us laugh."
"We're yelling at people. High-fiving each other."
"Look, we get a kick out of it because it's so ridiculous. It's our guilty pleasure."
Forgive them if they seem somewhat shy, but they're merely ashamed to admit that the daily ritual that brings such joy to their 12-year marriage is none other than reality TV. That's right. They lived and died with Survivor. They've adopted Big Brother. Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? They do. Not to mention Temptation Island, The Weakest Link, The Real World, Chains of Love, Fear Factor, The Mole (yes, really, The Mole).
"Honestly, I think we just need to be dumb for a while," says Bob, 37, a shoe designer for Reebok in Boston. "We're both very into our careers. And when you're at work, with any job there's going to be a certain amount of professional stress. You like to come home sometimes and, for that lousy hour or whatever, kick back and relax."
Or as Angie, 36, a marketing executive, says, "Life is serious enough, isn't it? Sometimes you need to do something stupid. And if you can't be stupid with your husband, who can you be stupid with?"
Daily Habit #4: Declare Your Independence
So hold on, then: Is domestic joy found in partners smothering each other in obsessive daily rituals ("Honey, don't forget, at 7:15 we have our nightly cuddle, followed by the affirmation of our vows, our 7:35 spontaneous flirtation, and then, of course, a new episode of Moesha at eight")?
Hardly. In fact, Tessina says that sleepwalking through a series of hollow routines (although probably an apt description of your day job) is worse for your marriage than having no routines at all. The solution, she says, is to also make a daily habit of getting away from each other.
"You know that old saying, 'How can I miss you if you don't go away?'" Tessina asks. "Doing things separately gives you a chance to fill in the blanks that your partner can't fill in for you, for example, one of you likes classical music, the other one likes sports. Plus, taking a break from each other gives you more things to talk about, because when you're joined at the hip, what's to talk about? You've already seen it all."
The point, naturally, is not to make space for each other in that I-can't-wait-to-get-away-from-you sort of way but to pursue your own hobbies and interests. It's a distinction that Joe tried hard to make to Lori during their delicate pre-engagement negotiations four years ago.
"As a woman, you get this message that when you get married, you spend every single waking second with your husband and you're so unbelievably happy," says Lori, 34. "And my parents actually do spend every single waking second together, and oddly enough, they are happy. So that's how I grew up thinking you were supposed to be. But when I told him this, Joe was like, 'I-don't-think-so.'"
"Because I watched my parents," says Joe, 29, whose parents divorced when he was 22, "and yeah, they spent every moment together, but they spent every moment together at each other's throats."
"So Joe had to convince me that having our own lives was a good idea," Lori explains. "I'm thankful he did."
These days Lori and Joe are practically poster children for the power of independence. Joe, who works for a nonprofit agency, spends his nights taking painting classes, building youth centers, and recording his guitar sessions. Lori, a college professor, spends hers directing community-theater musicals and indulging in trashy movies on cable television, a passion that Joe (go figure) doesn't seem to share.
"It all brings a freshness to our marriage because we both continue to grow as people," Joe says.
"Plus," says Lori, "getting out of the house and out of each other's hair keeps us from going crazy."
And -- we asked the experts, so we know -- going crazy is definitely not one of the secrets of a happy marriage.
Daily Habit #5: Share a Spiritual Moment
In another University of Chicago survey, this one of married couples, 75 percent of the Americans who pray with their spouses reported that their marriages are "very happy" (compared to 57 percent of those who don't). Those who pray together are also more likely to say they respect each other, discuss their marriage together, and -- stop the presses -- rate their spouses as skilled lovers.
Not to say that prayer is a cure for all that ails you (were that the case, my beloved Oakland Raiders would have won the Super Bowl years ago). But whether they're talking about a simple grace at dinnertime or some soul-searching meditation, couples routinely say that a shared spiritual life helps keep them close. And as Doug and Beth say, even couples who are on different sides of the theological fence can benefit from praying together daily.
"We have been married for seven years, but praying together is something we didn't start doing until about a year ago," says Doug, a 32-year-old Salt Lake City biochemist. "In the past, whenever we faced big decisions, we'd have discussion after discussion about them, but we'd never really come to a resolution."
After two 1,000-mile moves, the birth of three children, and two job changes, all in the past four years, those difficult decisions had begun to take a toll. So when Beth asked Doug, a nonreligious and self-proclaimed man of science, to try praying with her, he figured they had nothing to lose.
"I soon found that praying together brings out a real sense of selflessness and humility," Doug says. "When you're praying for each other, not yourself, you're focused together and speaking from the heart on a whole different level. I would never have predicted this for us, but it really works."
"As bad as any problem may seem at that moment," agrees Beth, "prayer always helps us see beyond it. It doesn't have to be a long-drawn-out scripture reading, just a few minutes a day. When we pray, it brings another level of honesty to our conversations. I think it's the most intimate thing you can do with another person."
Now they pray together every night, once the "urchins" are in bed, which puts them in the company of the 32 percent of American married couples who say they pray together regularly. It also puts them in the company of Julie and Thom, when the other couple isn't holed up in their igloo, of course.
"It's pretty short and not at all scripted," says Julie about their giving thanks before each meal. "We just join hands and let it rip. Whether we're asking for forgiveness or giving thanks, saying it out loud holds a lot of power.
"Besides, regardless of religion or spiritual preference, I think that most marriages require a ton of faith," Julie sums up. "You've got to believe that somehow the two of you are going to make it through things. You've got to believe that you're being blessed with this person. And even if the power we feel just comes from the strength of our love, even if we don't believe that it's God who is helping us, I still think that it's good to acknowledge that there's a force between the two of us that's helping us out."
Thursday, July 5, 2007
The Best Marriage Advice I Ever Got
Women spill the secret words of wisdom that keep their wedded bliss, well, blissful.
No doubt there are days when you feel as though you deserve the Best Wife in the World award: You make sure dates with your mate stay hot, you settle arguments with amazing grace and you don't always go into whining mode when you find his dirty socks next to, rather than in, the hamper. How did you get so smart? You were given some stellar marriage advice from friends and family. Here, the nuggets of nuptial wisdom you've stayed faithful to over the years.
Polite Fight
"On my wedding-invitation RSVP cards, I left space for guests to write their favorite wedding wisdom. The tidbit that rings truest after almost nine months of marriage is: 'Attack the issue, not each other.' How it works: If my husband and I disagree about something, we stay focused on the issue and skip the personal put-downs."
— Melissa Gitter Schilowitz, 31, Metuchen, NJ
Fit to a Tee
"My grandmother insisted that I learn how to play golf. 'If your husband loves to play, you can go along and spend hours together,' she said. So I took lessons, and now my husband and I hit the links once a month. We both love the game and are thrilled to share a hobby, even when we spend half an hour looking for my out-of-bounds balls!"
— Aimee Borders, 27, Houston, TX
Tabletop Trick
"My aunt told me that if I'm running late when it's my turn to make dinner, just set the table. That way my husband thinks he'll be eating any minute, so he doesn't start complaining, which buys me some time. It's a silly trick that sounds straight out of the 1950s, but I have to admit that I've tried it a few times in the three years I've been married — and it works!"
— Dawn Clayton, 34, Holdrege, NE
Perfect 10
"My husband's great-aunt wrote a list of the 10 most important things in a marriage, and she gave it to me at my bridal shower. It read:
10.Patience
9. Kindness
8. Patience
7. Communication
6. Patience
5. Caring
4. Patience
3. Patience
2. Love
1.Patience
"First of all, this couldn't be more true. Second, an 80-year-old woman made up a top-10 list; how funny is that?"
— Beth Power, 26, Arlington, VA
Ratio for Romance
"After my husband and I got together, a close friend of mine told me, 'If the sex is good, it's only 10 percent of the marriage. But if the sex is not so good, it's 90 percent. So do your darndest to make sure it stays really, really good!'"
— Emily Cho-Basco, 28, Los Angeles
Boob-Tube Brilliance
"Because my husband is such a remote-control freak, my mom suggested that we have 'my turn' TV nights. That means three nights a week I get to hold the remote and watch whatever I want, and on the other nights it's his turn to hold the remote and watch whatever he wants. Now when he starts flipping through the channels, it doesn't get on my nerves like it used to."
— Angela Clayton, 27, Odenton, MD
Pop the Question
"My sister-in-law passed this helpful hint on to me, and it has served me well for our five years of wedded bliss: 'Marriage is not mind reading, so ask your spouse what he/she wants and believe what he/she says.'"
— Clare Graca, 27, Dallas
Nix the Nit-Picking
"Before I said 'I do,' my mom (who's been married to my dad for 55 years) told me to take out a piece of paper and write down the top three things that bugged me about my husband-to-be. Then she told me to forget the things on that list and forgive him for not being flawless. Once you make a commitment this big, she explained, you can't let petty things get in the way. In our eight years of marriage, my husband and I have had two kids, tackled cross-country moves and started two businesses -- and so far, so great."
— Rebecca Hart Blaudow, 31, Jacksonville, FL
Space Smarts
"Always have separate closets, my best friend told me. It may seem silly, but I listened to her and made sure to find a one-bedroom apartment with two closets (mine being the larger, of course). Now my husband and I each have our own private space, and we respect that: If he wants to keep his shoes in one huge heap or leave his dirty clothes in a pile on the floor, the mess doesn't bother me a bit!"
— Patricia Bontekoe, 26, Lake Hiawatha, NJ
Agree to Disagree
"Before we got married, my minister told my husband and me, 'You are two imperfect people making an imperfect union, and that's wonderful.' This advice made me ditch my belief that in a happy marriage, the couple always agrees. My husband and I have learned to appreciate our differences (yes, even differences of opinion!); in fact, we encourage them because we realize now that those differences are what makes each of us unique and special."
— Beth Swanson, 28, Chicago
Comic Relief
"Before I headed down the aisle, my stepfather told me to always laugh and never take myself too seriously. After four years of marriage, I know that this trick works. My husband and I often play practical jokes on each other and always try to crack each other up, even in the middle of an argument. Hey, if one person laughs, a fight tends to fizzle, doesn't it?"
— Lisa Giassa, 31, Bogota, NJ
You've probably heard a few of these pieces of marital pop wisdom before. If so, these marriage experts say to promptly forget 'em.
Love means never having to say you're sorry.
"Oh, please! In marriage, love sometimes means having to say you're sorry even if you don't know what you did or you didn't mean to do it."
— Trisha Taylor, psychotherapist, Houston, TX
Always be totally honest.
"What are you going to do, tell him that he's just too short and you can't stand his mother? Sometimes you need to temper the truth."
— Tara Fields, Ph.D., marriage, family and child therapist, Marin County, CA
Children come first.
"This is bad advice if it means your husband always comes second. Of course you should love and care for your kids, but you should never lose sight of your couple-ness. The best thing a child can have is happy, fulfilled parents who are deeply in love."
— Mary Pender Greene, chief of social work services, Jewish Board of Family and Children's Services, New York
Always keep the peace.
"No, no, no. If you don't face a hot issue head-on, you'll stockpile negative feelings. And before you know it, 20 years go by and you're still fighting over the same thing because you never resolved it in the first place."
— Rebecca S. Ward, M.S.W., psychotherapist, Little Rock, AR
Never go to bed angry.
"Forget it. Often a couple needs time to calm down before they can rationally wrap up an argument. And that may take a few days, so in the meantime, get some sleep!"
— Gilda Carle, Ph.D., psychotherapist, New York
No doubt there are days when you feel as though you deserve the Best Wife in the World award: You make sure dates with your mate stay hot, you settle arguments with amazing grace and you don't always go into whining mode when you find his dirty socks next to, rather than in, the hamper. How did you get so smart? You were given some stellar marriage advice from friends and family. Here, the nuggets of nuptial wisdom you've stayed faithful to over the years.
Polite Fight
"On my wedding-invitation RSVP cards, I left space for guests to write their favorite wedding wisdom. The tidbit that rings truest after almost nine months of marriage is: 'Attack the issue, not each other.' How it works: If my husband and I disagree about something, we stay focused on the issue and skip the personal put-downs."
— Melissa Gitter Schilowitz, 31, Metuchen, NJ
Fit to a Tee
"My grandmother insisted that I learn how to play golf. 'If your husband loves to play, you can go along and spend hours together,' she said. So I took lessons, and now my husband and I hit the links once a month. We both love the game and are thrilled to share a hobby, even when we spend half an hour looking for my out-of-bounds balls!"
— Aimee Borders, 27, Houston, TX
Tabletop Trick
"My aunt told me that if I'm running late when it's my turn to make dinner, just set the table. That way my husband thinks he'll be eating any minute, so he doesn't start complaining, which buys me some time. It's a silly trick that sounds straight out of the 1950s, but I have to admit that I've tried it a few times in the three years I've been married — and it works!"
— Dawn Clayton, 34, Holdrege, NE
Perfect 10
"My husband's great-aunt wrote a list of the 10 most important things in a marriage, and she gave it to me at my bridal shower. It read:
10.Patience
9. Kindness
8. Patience
7. Communication
6. Patience
5. Caring
4. Patience
3. Patience
2. Love
1.Patience
"First of all, this couldn't be more true. Second, an 80-year-old woman made up a top-10 list; how funny is that?"
— Beth Power, 26, Arlington, VA
Ratio for Romance
"After my husband and I got together, a close friend of mine told me, 'If the sex is good, it's only 10 percent of the marriage. But if the sex is not so good, it's 90 percent. So do your darndest to make sure it stays really, really good!'"
— Emily Cho-Basco, 28, Los Angeles
Boob-Tube Brilliance
"Because my husband is such a remote-control freak, my mom suggested that we have 'my turn' TV nights. That means three nights a week I get to hold the remote and watch whatever I want, and on the other nights it's his turn to hold the remote and watch whatever he wants. Now when he starts flipping through the channels, it doesn't get on my nerves like it used to."
— Angela Clayton, 27, Odenton, MD
Pop the Question
"My sister-in-law passed this helpful hint on to me, and it has served me well for our five years of wedded bliss: 'Marriage is not mind reading, so ask your spouse what he/she wants and believe what he/she says.'"
— Clare Graca, 27, Dallas
Nix the Nit-Picking
"Before I said 'I do,' my mom (who's been married to my dad for 55 years) told me to take out a piece of paper and write down the top three things that bugged me about my husband-to-be. Then she told me to forget the things on that list and forgive him for not being flawless. Once you make a commitment this big, she explained, you can't let petty things get in the way. In our eight years of marriage, my husband and I have had two kids, tackled cross-country moves and started two businesses -- and so far, so great."
— Rebecca Hart Blaudow, 31, Jacksonville, FL
Space Smarts
"Always have separate closets, my best friend told me. It may seem silly, but I listened to her and made sure to find a one-bedroom apartment with two closets (mine being the larger, of course). Now my husband and I each have our own private space, and we respect that: If he wants to keep his shoes in one huge heap or leave his dirty clothes in a pile on the floor, the mess doesn't bother me a bit!"
— Patricia Bontekoe, 26, Lake Hiawatha, NJ
Agree to Disagree
"Before we got married, my minister told my husband and me, 'You are two imperfect people making an imperfect union, and that's wonderful.' This advice made me ditch my belief that in a happy marriage, the couple always agrees. My husband and I have learned to appreciate our differences (yes, even differences of opinion!); in fact, we encourage them because we realize now that those differences are what makes each of us unique and special."
— Beth Swanson, 28, Chicago
Comic Relief
"Before I headed down the aisle, my stepfather told me to always laugh and never take myself too seriously. After four years of marriage, I know that this trick works. My husband and I often play practical jokes on each other and always try to crack each other up, even in the middle of an argument. Hey, if one person laughs, a fight tends to fizzle, doesn't it?"
— Lisa Giassa, 31, Bogota, NJ
You've probably heard a few of these pieces of marital pop wisdom before. If so, these marriage experts say to promptly forget 'em.
Love means never having to say you're sorry.
"Oh, please! In marriage, love sometimes means having to say you're sorry even if you don't know what you did or you didn't mean to do it."
— Trisha Taylor, psychotherapist, Houston, TX
Always be totally honest.
"What are you going to do, tell him that he's just too short and you can't stand his mother? Sometimes you need to temper the truth."
— Tara Fields, Ph.D., marriage, family and child therapist, Marin County, CA
Children come first.
"This is bad advice if it means your husband always comes second. Of course you should love and care for your kids, but you should never lose sight of your couple-ness. The best thing a child can have is happy, fulfilled parents who are deeply in love."
— Mary Pender Greene, chief of social work services, Jewish Board of Family and Children's Services, New York
Always keep the peace.
"No, no, no. If you don't face a hot issue head-on, you'll stockpile negative feelings. And before you know it, 20 years go by and you're still fighting over the same thing because you never resolved it in the first place."
— Rebecca S. Ward, M.S.W., psychotherapist, Little Rock, AR
Never go to bed angry.
"Forget it. Often a couple needs time to calm down before they can rationally wrap up an argument. And that may take a few days, so in the meantime, get some sleep!"
— Gilda Carle, Ph.D., psychotherapist, New York
The Truth About Love & Money
Couples are spending more, fighting more and lying more about money than ever before. Here's how to keep you both honest, so you can secure your relationship and your financial future.
Theresa Brooks knew that she and her husband, Bill, had been spending a lot, but even she was shocked by the grand total: $50,000 in credit card debt. In October 2004, she, Bill and their four children had moved from a mobile home into the dream house they'd built in Colville, Washington. Between construction costs, new furniture and decorating, the bills had spiraled completely out of control.
For nearly a decade of marriage, Bill had trusted Theresa with the family budget — and they had never even been late on a payment. (Even with all that debt, they maintained a strong credit rating.) Still, the thought of sharing the full picture with Bill was terrifying. "I knew he would be disappointed and angry," recalls Theresa, 38. "My biggest fear was that he would lose all faith in me."
Theresa's fears were hardly overblown — her mismanagement of the couple's finances is the kind of betrayal that can destroy a marriage. And she's not alone. In fact, nearly one in three adults admit they've lied to their spouse or partner about money, according to a Harris Interactive poll commissioned by Redbook and Lawyers.com, a free online attorney database. We asked nearly 1,800 men and women in committed relationships, ages 25 to 55, about who earns what, who spends what, who knows what and who hides what when it comes to money. What emerged were some gratifying truths (women outscored men in basic marital financial know-how!) and a few terrifying ones.
Even for couples on solid financial footing, money is a fraught issue. It's the number one source of marital fights — and it's a frequently cited cause of divorce, according to financial counselor and Redbook Marriage Institute expert David Bach, author of Smart Couples Finish Rich. And couples today are facing more complicated strains on their financial well-being than ever before. The old setup of a responsible breadwinner husband and a budget-conscious homemaker wife has become the exception rather than the rule, and most couples (67 percent) say they make money decisions as a team. But men and women still often fall into traditional financial roles: Twice as many women as men claim solo responsibility for the household budget, and 42 percent of men (compared with only 12 percent of women) say they're in charge of the couple's investments.
Of course, for many couples, investing for the future is a pipe dream anyway. In our era of immediate gratification, the emphasis is on what we can get now. "We're constantly exposed to messages from media and popular culture that say purchasing the right product will make us happier," says psychiatrist Scott Haltzman, M.D., author of the upcoming book The Secrets of Happily Married Men. Not coincidentally, consumer debt has reached an all-time high. Couples feel compelled to buy more cars, gadgets and gewgaws than were once deemed necessary. Before realizing the extent of their debt, Bill and Theresa Brooks owned four trucks and a luxury SUV.
Changing roles, power struggles, unchecked spending: These are the kinds of stressors that breed secrecy and suspicion between couples. In this credit-rich era, the very landscape of marital trust has changed: One in four adults told us that honesty about finances in a relationship is more important than honesty about fidelity. But before you go hunting down your guy's Visa bill, here's the good news. Just a little understanding of his financial values and priorities — as well as your own — will go a long way toward securing your future.
"Conflicts over money arise because underlying the arguments are serious differences in what each partner values, needs and expects from money," says Richard M. Ryan, Ph.D., a psychologist who specializes in money and relationships at the University of Rochester. Couples typically polarize into six categories, says Olivia Mellan, author of Overcoming Overspending. Hoarders are usually married to spenders. Money avoiders pair up with money worriers. Planners hook up with dreamers. Risk takers marry risk avoiders. Money mergers (people who want all cash pooled together) end up with money separatists (those who want their money to be theirs). And money monks (people who think money is dirty) marry money amassers (those who think that she who dies with the most cash wins). "Many people tend to be a combination of types," Mellan notes. "A spender is usually an avoider; a hoarder tends to be a worrier. These combinations of differences create a double whammy on a marriage."
Debt is increasingly adding to the strain. One in three couples that fight over money argue over how to pay off credit card debt, according to the Redbook/lawyers.com poll. And with bigger homes and bigger mortgages, many families find their disposable income dwindling. "Over the last few years, couples have been snapping up adjustable-rate mortgages with minimum payments, so they're building debt rather than equity," says Victoria F. Collins, Ph.D., author of Couples and Money. The average household owes close to $20,000 — and that doesn't include mortgages. David Bach says couples now spend 30 to 50 percent of their income on housing, living paycheck to paycheck and barely covering mortgage payments while racking up credit card debt on purchases like large-screen TVs and what he calls the Latte Factor — small daily luxuries that have come to seem like necessities.
Emily,* a 35-year-old lawyer from Oakland, grew up with a truck-driver father, a stay-at-home mom and, as she puts it, "the repo man always at the door." She loves the fact that she can now afford to buy things with her own money. Her husband, Steve,* 32, a firefighter, grew up in a wealthy family, but feels anxious about spending — and uses money as the outlet to express anxiety about other issues. "Every time we go through any change, we have a week of arguing about how we can't afford to buy a house, have another baby, change jobs, remodel the kitchen, etc.," says Emily. The worst, she says, is when Steve lectures her on her spending habits. "I figure if I can buy it and I really want it — I'm not a crazy spendthrift — then I should buy it." For Steve, spending money, especially on their new house, is much less of a priority. "I don't care at all about home improvement," he says. "I'm much more willing to save, especially since we have two kids we'll need to send to college."
It's when differences lead to deception that couples really find themselves in trouble. While 96 percent of respondents to the Redbook/lawyers.com poll said that both partners in a relationship should be totally honest with each other about finances, one in four women lie to their partners about spending on discretionary items like clothing or shoes. "Lying has become normalized in marriage, especially around money, and especially among women," says Robin Smith, Ph.D., a Philadelphia-based psychologist who sees an increase in passive-aggressive manipulation on the part of many women: They appear to cede financial control to their husbands, but they're secretly spending and socking away money on their own.
Tonia Silas, 31, a stay-at-home mother of three from Panama City, Florida, has some extra cash flow that her engineer husband, James, 33, doesn't know about. On occasion, she'll do freelance computer work and use her earnings on clothes or a spa day. "It helps prevent arguments," she says. "If he knew I had the money to spend, he would want me to spend it on what he wants me to buy." Tonia figures her husband probably keeps a secret stash, too. "He's always coming home with new toys," she notes. "Sometimes he tells me someone gave him something or he borrowed it, but the object in question never leaves the house." Tonia is careful not to lie about more substantive matters. When the couple first married 11 years ago, she lent her brother money without consulting James. He got so upset when he found out that she never did it again.
Stacy, 29 (a saver and worrier), and her husband, Charles, 30 (a spender and an avoider), fight over money on a daily basis. "It starts out because I think he's spending too much," Stacy says. "Then it turns into how much weight each of us is pulling." Three years ago, Stacy got into a car accident and was on disability; now she works for a medical education company, but only part-time, which has reduced their income dramatically. Charles, formerly an elementary school teacher, now does carpentry work — which offers little job security and only increases the tension between the couple.
For the first year of their marriage, Stacy tucked away money so they could buy a house. Now that they own a home in New Milford, Connecticut, she still stashes cash away; she wants six months of living expenses on hand (the kind of emergency fund that financial experts recommend for everyone). "Charles isn't as motivated," she explains. "If he knew we had the money, it would be gone." Stacy worries that if he were to find out how much they've been saving, he wouldn't believe her next time she told him they didn't have the money to buy something. Nor does she tell him how much she spends on lipstick, for example. "He would just come back at me and call me a hypocrite!"
It's one thing to lie about splurging on Bobbi Brown mascara, says Scott Haltzman — it's quite another to lie about investing in shady junk bonds. "The best place to test a couple's ability to communicate and cooperate in their marriage is over big-ticket purchases and major financial decisions," he explains, "because those decisions reflect core, underlying values." And secrets about the big decisions can signal big underlying problems. Indeed, in our poll, people who were dissatisfied with their relationship were twice as likely to say they had lied about money as those who were happily attached.
So how can couples make money choices that will bring them closer and secure their future? Combined accounts only? A firewall between his and hers? How a couple manages their accounts has no effect on whether they fight about money, according to our poll, and experts differ as to whether it's healthier to blend or separate funds. Still, our poll also shows that happy couples are more likely to hold joint accounts.
"When you get married, you choose to become a full partner, and part of that is sharing financial assets," Haltzman explains. "Of course, if he likes to bank online, and she likes to maintain a separate account for her home business, that's understandable." More important than what goes in which bank account is that couples be honest about their priorities and concerns. When 49-year-old Kathy Safer's husband, Neil, 46, found her secret stash five years ago, he was incredibly hurt. The two discussed the matter for days. "I told him, 'It's nothing against you, it's for me,'" she recalls. Neil was afraid she didn't trust him, but Kathy explained that after a bad relationship years before, she needed a stash for her own sense of security. Today, the Kennett Square, Pennsylvania, bookkeeper makes an effort to take a team approach, sharing accounts and keeping Neil abreast of financial developments. "We feel like we're each other's cheerleader," she says. "If he gets a bonus, great. If I get a bonus, great. It all goes in the same pot."
Establishing mutual trust can get many couples through financial distress, even when life is lived paycheck to paycheck. Annamarie Trapasso, 40, a homemaker in Rocky Point, New York, and her husband, Roy, 41, a tugboat captain, are spenders who had to learn to cut back when Annamarie quit her job to raise their two children. "When I worked full-time, my whole check was spent at the mall," she says. "Now I don't spend unnecessarily on clothes." Together, the couple created a household budget, consolidated their debt and then paid it off in full. "We never fight about money," Annamarie says. "If bills start to mount up, I'll tell him he needs to do another job this month to cover school expenses or whatever. He's very easygoing, because he trusts me to spend our money wisely."
Trust is what helped Theresa and Bill Brooks keep their relationship afloat even as their financial stability went down the drain. First, Theresa typed everything — the expenditures, the mistakes, the mountain of debt — into their Microsoft Money program. Then she printed it all out for Bill. Rather than fly into a rage or tumble into despair, Bill sat and thought for a few minutes, then told Theresa he loved her and that they would work through the debt together. After all, he said, they'd gotten into this situation together — both of them were enjoying what was purchased, so both of them should shoulder the burden.
The Brookses are both spenders, but their money backgrounds are very different. Bill grew up in a frugal family, whereas Theresa never learned the meaning of the word "budget." Bill avoids using credit cards, whereas Theresa... Still, the two were able to reconcile their different styles. Bill sold his trucks, and Theresa gave up her SUV for a more modest minivan. She also learned to tame her impulsiveness while using her strong organizational skills to help them both stick to a new, tighter budget. "If one of us wants to buy something, we consult the other," she explains. "There's a lot more thought put into purchases now." In about a year, they've managed to reduce their debt by half. And cutting back has yielded unexpected benefits: "It forced us to slow down a very busy lifestyle," Theresa explains. "Instead of working all week and going out on weekends, we spend them at home. We play more games with the kids instead of going to amusement parks. And the experience has definitely brought us closer."
The number one rule is to communicate, says Alan Kopit, legal editor of Lawyers.com and a specialist in family law, but you should also follow these key steps.
1. Get educated.
Did you know that a house bought after you wed is marital property, even if the title is in one spouse's name? Or that if your husband has personal debt, you could be responsible for it? Bone up on money basics: The more you both know, the easier it is to make decisions as a team.
2. Know your history.
Each partner should find out the other's financial history before they get married. Has your husband ever been in debt? Does he routinely bounce checks? Has he owned a failed business? Even if his credit and finances are in good shape now, his past money moves — good and bad — will affect your future.
3. Yup, consider a prenup.
It sounds unromantic, but Kopit advises that most couples think about a prenuptial agreement, especially if it's a second marriage and there are children involved. Your children's future could depend on it.
4. Get credit.
Even if you pool all resources, each partner should have his or her own checking account and credit card — not to hide assets and spending, but to establish an independent credit history. If anything ever happens to your husband, you'll be better prepared to support your family.
5. Budget.
You don't have to keep a written record of every last Frappuccino, but creating a budget helps spouses communicate their respective needs and priorities while ensuring that each partner understands where all the money is going. Besides, who doesn't need a little more discipline when it comes to spending?
To learn more about our survey and how to build a money-smart marriage, check out lawyers.com/redbook.
Theresa Brooks knew that she and her husband, Bill, had been spending a lot, but even she was shocked by the grand total: $50,000 in credit card debt. In October 2004, she, Bill and their four children had moved from a mobile home into the dream house they'd built in Colville, Washington. Between construction costs, new furniture and decorating, the bills had spiraled completely out of control.
For nearly a decade of marriage, Bill had trusted Theresa with the family budget — and they had never even been late on a payment. (Even with all that debt, they maintained a strong credit rating.) Still, the thought of sharing the full picture with Bill was terrifying. "I knew he would be disappointed and angry," recalls Theresa, 38. "My biggest fear was that he would lose all faith in me."
Theresa's fears were hardly overblown — her mismanagement of the couple's finances is the kind of betrayal that can destroy a marriage. And she's not alone. In fact, nearly one in three adults admit they've lied to their spouse or partner about money, according to a Harris Interactive poll commissioned by Redbook and Lawyers.com, a free online attorney database. We asked nearly 1,800 men and women in committed relationships, ages 25 to 55, about who earns what, who spends what, who knows what and who hides what when it comes to money. What emerged were some gratifying truths (women outscored men in basic marital financial know-how!) and a few terrifying ones.
Even for couples on solid financial footing, money is a fraught issue. It's the number one source of marital fights — and it's a frequently cited cause of divorce, according to financial counselor and Redbook Marriage Institute expert David Bach, author of Smart Couples Finish Rich. And couples today are facing more complicated strains on their financial well-being than ever before. The old setup of a responsible breadwinner husband and a budget-conscious homemaker wife has become the exception rather than the rule, and most couples (67 percent) say they make money decisions as a team. But men and women still often fall into traditional financial roles: Twice as many women as men claim solo responsibility for the household budget, and 42 percent of men (compared with only 12 percent of women) say they're in charge of the couple's investments.
Of course, for many couples, investing for the future is a pipe dream anyway. In our era of immediate gratification, the emphasis is on what we can get now. "We're constantly exposed to messages from media and popular culture that say purchasing the right product will make us happier," says psychiatrist Scott Haltzman, M.D., author of the upcoming book The Secrets of Happily Married Men. Not coincidentally, consumer debt has reached an all-time high. Couples feel compelled to buy more cars, gadgets and gewgaws than were once deemed necessary. Before realizing the extent of their debt, Bill and Theresa Brooks owned four trucks and a luxury SUV.
Changing roles, power struggles, unchecked spending: These are the kinds of stressors that breed secrecy and suspicion between couples. In this credit-rich era, the very landscape of marital trust has changed: One in four adults told us that honesty about finances in a relationship is more important than honesty about fidelity. But before you go hunting down your guy's Visa bill, here's the good news. Just a little understanding of his financial values and priorities — as well as your own — will go a long way toward securing your future.
"Conflicts over money arise because underlying the arguments are serious differences in what each partner values, needs and expects from money," says Richard M. Ryan, Ph.D., a psychologist who specializes in money and relationships at the University of Rochester. Couples typically polarize into six categories, says Olivia Mellan, author of Overcoming Overspending. Hoarders are usually married to spenders. Money avoiders pair up with money worriers. Planners hook up with dreamers. Risk takers marry risk avoiders. Money mergers (people who want all cash pooled together) end up with money separatists (those who want their money to be theirs). And money monks (people who think money is dirty) marry money amassers (those who think that she who dies with the most cash wins). "Many people tend to be a combination of types," Mellan notes. "A spender is usually an avoider; a hoarder tends to be a worrier. These combinations of differences create a double whammy on a marriage."
Debt is increasingly adding to the strain. One in three couples that fight over money argue over how to pay off credit card debt, according to the Redbook/lawyers.com poll. And with bigger homes and bigger mortgages, many families find their disposable income dwindling. "Over the last few years, couples have been snapping up adjustable-rate mortgages with minimum payments, so they're building debt rather than equity," says Victoria F. Collins, Ph.D., author of Couples and Money. The average household owes close to $20,000 — and that doesn't include mortgages. David Bach says couples now spend 30 to 50 percent of their income on housing, living paycheck to paycheck and barely covering mortgage payments while racking up credit card debt on purchases like large-screen TVs and what he calls the Latte Factor — small daily luxuries that have come to seem like necessities.
Emily,* a 35-year-old lawyer from Oakland, grew up with a truck-driver father, a stay-at-home mom and, as she puts it, "the repo man always at the door." She loves the fact that she can now afford to buy things with her own money. Her husband, Steve,* 32, a firefighter, grew up in a wealthy family, but feels anxious about spending — and uses money as the outlet to express anxiety about other issues. "Every time we go through any change, we have a week of arguing about how we can't afford to buy a house, have another baby, change jobs, remodel the kitchen, etc.," says Emily. The worst, she says, is when Steve lectures her on her spending habits. "I figure if I can buy it and I really want it — I'm not a crazy spendthrift — then I should buy it." For Steve, spending money, especially on their new house, is much less of a priority. "I don't care at all about home improvement," he says. "I'm much more willing to save, especially since we have two kids we'll need to send to college."
It's when differences lead to deception that couples really find themselves in trouble. While 96 percent of respondents to the Redbook/lawyers.com poll said that both partners in a relationship should be totally honest with each other about finances, one in four women lie to their partners about spending on discretionary items like clothing or shoes. "Lying has become normalized in marriage, especially around money, and especially among women," says Robin Smith, Ph.D., a Philadelphia-based psychologist who sees an increase in passive-aggressive manipulation on the part of many women: They appear to cede financial control to their husbands, but they're secretly spending and socking away money on their own.
Tonia Silas, 31, a stay-at-home mother of three from Panama City, Florida, has some extra cash flow that her engineer husband, James, 33, doesn't know about. On occasion, she'll do freelance computer work and use her earnings on clothes or a spa day. "It helps prevent arguments," she says. "If he knew I had the money to spend, he would want me to spend it on what he wants me to buy." Tonia figures her husband probably keeps a secret stash, too. "He's always coming home with new toys," she notes. "Sometimes he tells me someone gave him something or he borrowed it, but the object in question never leaves the house." Tonia is careful not to lie about more substantive matters. When the couple first married 11 years ago, she lent her brother money without consulting James. He got so upset when he found out that she never did it again.
Stacy, 29 (a saver and worrier), and her husband, Charles, 30 (a spender and an avoider), fight over money on a daily basis. "It starts out because I think he's spending too much," Stacy says. "Then it turns into how much weight each of us is pulling." Three years ago, Stacy got into a car accident and was on disability; now she works for a medical education company, but only part-time, which has reduced their income dramatically. Charles, formerly an elementary school teacher, now does carpentry work — which offers little job security and only increases the tension between the couple.
For the first year of their marriage, Stacy tucked away money so they could buy a house. Now that they own a home in New Milford, Connecticut, she still stashes cash away; she wants six months of living expenses on hand (the kind of emergency fund that financial experts recommend for everyone). "Charles isn't as motivated," she explains. "If he knew we had the money, it would be gone." Stacy worries that if he were to find out how much they've been saving, he wouldn't believe her next time she told him they didn't have the money to buy something. Nor does she tell him how much she spends on lipstick, for example. "He would just come back at me and call me a hypocrite!"
It's one thing to lie about splurging on Bobbi Brown mascara, says Scott Haltzman — it's quite another to lie about investing in shady junk bonds. "The best place to test a couple's ability to communicate and cooperate in their marriage is over big-ticket purchases and major financial decisions," he explains, "because those decisions reflect core, underlying values." And secrets about the big decisions can signal big underlying problems. Indeed, in our poll, people who were dissatisfied with their relationship were twice as likely to say they had lied about money as those who were happily attached.
So how can couples make money choices that will bring them closer and secure their future? Combined accounts only? A firewall between his and hers? How a couple manages their accounts has no effect on whether they fight about money, according to our poll, and experts differ as to whether it's healthier to blend or separate funds. Still, our poll also shows that happy couples are more likely to hold joint accounts.
"When you get married, you choose to become a full partner, and part of that is sharing financial assets," Haltzman explains. "Of course, if he likes to bank online, and she likes to maintain a separate account for her home business, that's understandable." More important than what goes in which bank account is that couples be honest about their priorities and concerns. When 49-year-old Kathy Safer's husband, Neil, 46, found her secret stash five years ago, he was incredibly hurt. The two discussed the matter for days. "I told him, 'It's nothing against you, it's for me,'" she recalls. Neil was afraid she didn't trust him, but Kathy explained that after a bad relationship years before, she needed a stash for her own sense of security. Today, the Kennett Square, Pennsylvania, bookkeeper makes an effort to take a team approach, sharing accounts and keeping Neil abreast of financial developments. "We feel like we're each other's cheerleader," she says. "If he gets a bonus, great. If I get a bonus, great. It all goes in the same pot."
Establishing mutual trust can get many couples through financial distress, even when life is lived paycheck to paycheck. Annamarie Trapasso, 40, a homemaker in Rocky Point, New York, and her husband, Roy, 41, a tugboat captain, are spenders who had to learn to cut back when Annamarie quit her job to raise their two children. "When I worked full-time, my whole check was spent at the mall," she says. "Now I don't spend unnecessarily on clothes." Together, the couple created a household budget, consolidated their debt and then paid it off in full. "We never fight about money," Annamarie says. "If bills start to mount up, I'll tell him he needs to do another job this month to cover school expenses or whatever. He's very easygoing, because he trusts me to spend our money wisely."
Trust is what helped Theresa and Bill Brooks keep their relationship afloat even as their financial stability went down the drain. First, Theresa typed everything — the expenditures, the mistakes, the mountain of debt — into their Microsoft Money program. Then she printed it all out for Bill. Rather than fly into a rage or tumble into despair, Bill sat and thought for a few minutes, then told Theresa he loved her and that they would work through the debt together. After all, he said, they'd gotten into this situation together — both of them were enjoying what was purchased, so both of them should shoulder the burden.
The Brookses are both spenders, but their money backgrounds are very different. Bill grew up in a frugal family, whereas Theresa never learned the meaning of the word "budget." Bill avoids using credit cards, whereas Theresa... Still, the two were able to reconcile their different styles. Bill sold his trucks, and Theresa gave up her SUV for a more modest minivan. She also learned to tame her impulsiveness while using her strong organizational skills to help them both stick to a new, tighter budget. "If one of us wants to buy something, we consult the other," she explains. "There's a lot more thought put into purchases now." In about a year, they've managed to reduce their debt by half. And cutting back has yielded unexpected benefits: "It forced us to slow down a very busy lifestyle," Theresa explains. "Instead of working all week and going out on weekends, we spend them at home. We play more games with the kids instead of going to amusement parks. And the experience has definitely brought us closer."
The number one rule is to communicate, says Alan Kopit, legal editor of Lawyers.com and a specialist in family law, but you should also follow these key steps.
1. Get educated.
Did you know that a house bought after you wed is marital property, even if the title is in one spouse's name? Or that if your husband has personal debt, you could be responsible for it? Bone up on money basics: The more you both know, the easier it is to make decisions as a team.
2. Know your history.
Each partner should find out the other's financial history before they get married. Has your husband ever been in debt? Does he routinely bounce checks? Has he owned a failed business? Even if his credit and finances are in good shape now, his past money moves — good and bad — will affect your future.
3. Yup, consider a prenup.
It sounds unromantic, but Kopit advises that most couples think about a prenuptial agreement, especially if it's a second marriage and there are children involved. Your children's future could depend on it.
4. Get credit.
Even if you pool all resources, each partner should have his or her own checking account and credit card — not to hide assets and spending, but to establish an independent credit history. If anything ever happens to your husband, you'll be better prepared to support your family.
5. Budget.
You don't have to keep a written record of every last Frappuccino, but creating a budget helps spouses communicate their respective needs and priorities while ensuring that each partner understands where all the money is going. Besides, who doesn't need a little more discipline when it comes to spending?
To learn more about our survey and how to build a money-smart marriage, check out lawyers.com/redbook.
The Secrets Couples Keep
Have you ever hidden something from him about your past (or present)? Or has he ever stunned you with a secret of his own? Here, couples reveal their biggest bombshells. Plus, learn which secrets you must spill — and which ones to keep to yourself.By Marisa Cohen
advertisement
In a perfect relationship, you wouldn't keep any secrets from your sweetie. And you'd never have to worry if he were keeping anything from you, because his life, too, would be an open book.
But we live in the real world, where even the healthiest couples sometimes hide things from each other. To most of us, the secret to end all secrets (and many marriages) is an affair — and no one will quibble with the devastating consequences of infidelity. Yet even "small" deceptions can rock a relationship, and it can be hard to draw the line between what's harmless and what's not.
After all, secret keeping is often about protection: A secret can be an attempt to shield yourself, by hiding something you don't want your partner to see (like old pictures of you before you had your deviated septum fixed), or it can be about shielding him from an unnecessary worry or fear (like how much you really dig your vibrator). And that's not all bad: A little mystery can be sexy. But how to tell what can stay safely tucked away and what calls for a confession? We asked experts to outline the rules for secret keeping (and sharing).
Secrets You Must Spill
If you want a relationship grounded in mutual trust (and who doesn't?), certain issues require full disclosure. "If something has a chance of impacting your partner's future or his life with you, then he has a right to know about it," says Mira Kirshenbaum, a relationship expert and author of Is He Mr. Right? This includes anything from the past that has reverberations in the present (lingering debts, a chronic medical condition, past sexual or emotional abuse), and anything in the present that could affect the future (a health scare, a potential downsizing at work).
As many couples find out too late, when you keep a secret that profoundly affects your family, you face a double whammy when the secret eventually — or inevitably — implodes: After the first shock wave from the hidden truth rips through the family, you're hit with the secondary tremors that come from the resulting feelings of betrayal and distrust. "My husband was running a retail Website, and he assured me it was doing well," recalls Karen,* a 39-year-old mom of two. "I thought I could stay home with my children and not have to worry about making money myself."
A year ago, however, Karen discovered that her husband's business was in the hole for more than $1 million, and he had taken out a line of credit against their house. The truth came out only when he announced that he would have to take an additional job. "I was furious!" Karen says. A year later, her family has begun recovering from the financial blow — they've settled in a new town, and her husband found a good job — but Karen is still dealing with her sense of hurt, anger, and betrayal. "He says he didn't tell me about it because he thought he could turn his business around, and he was just so embarrassed that he couldn't support our family. But I couldn't believe he left me in the dark for all those years," she says now.
When confronted with such a big, sudden revelation, it's natural to think, Why didn't you tell me? I'm the one person on earth who is supposed to understand! But the reasons men, in particular, keep secrets like these are multilayered, say the experts. They may, like Karen's husband, want to keep up an appearance of being strong and in control — out of fear that you'll stop loving them if you see them in a different, vulnerable light. They may be loath to deal with the turbulence they know their secret will unleash. And yes, some men may just hope that silence will help them avoid a fight. "Men are wary of women's emotional reactivity and usually shy away from conflicts," says REDBOOK Love Network expert Scott Haltzman, M.D., author of
The Secrets of Happily Married Men.
"They'll do anything to avoid making a woman furious, though they usually end up making things worse."
Dawn's story is a prime example of a husband's face-saving secret spinning out of control: "A couple of years ago, my husband, Paul, asked me if his friend could borrow our car," says Dawn, a 45-year-old mother of three. "I checked our insurance policy, found that we wouldn't be covered for another driver, and told him no." Paul lent the car anyway, and his friend hit a pedestrian. At first, Paul tried to keep the accident under wraps, dealing with the police report and insurance forms himself. But when the pedestrian decided to sue, Paul had no choice but to go to his wife — a lawyer — for help. "I felt like he had pulled the rug out from under me," says Dawn. She and Paul have been seeing a counselor to deal with the emotional fallout of his deception.
Even when your secret is something that seems minor to you, you must be open with your partner if it's related to a topic he's expressed curiosity or a strong opinion about. "As soon as you get serious with someone, sit down and ask him, 'Is there anything you want to know about me that I haven't told you yet?'" advises REDBOOK Love Network expert Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., author of Getting the Love You Want.
It's a clear-the-air strategy even long-term couples can use. And as counterintuitive as this may sound, the more likely your partner is to freak out about your secret, the more important it is that you confess, Hendrix adds, because if the truth about a sensitive subject comes out later, the rupture could be even more serious. Not only does your partner need all of this information to be able to make informed decisions about your life together, he also needs to know that you trust him enough to share it. "If you don't tell your partner about something, then you're really saying he's not wise enough, generous enough, or loving enough to handle it," says Kirshenbaum.
"And that can be deeply wounding."
Ilana found herself at a make-or-break moment several months into her relationship with her husband, Kevin. "When we started dating, Kevin made it very clear that he was antiabortion," says Ilana, 29, a mom of two. "Even though I'm pro-choice, I grew up in a very conservative family, and I respected his views. But I was worried about telling him that I had terminated a pregnancy in college. I wasn't going to lie about it, but I certainly wasn't going to offer up the information right away." When it became clear that their relationship was heading toward marriage, though, Kevin asked Ilana point-blank if she'd ever had an abortion. "I told him the truth, and he wasn't thrilled, but he accepted it as part of who I am, and we've never talked about it again," she says. "But it's a good thing I told him then, because a few years later, when I was in the hospital about to give birth to our daughter, every nurse and doctor who walked in to examine me or fill out a form asked how many previous pregnancies I'd had. It would have been horrible if he'd found out my secret while I was in the throes of labor."
Secrets to Consider Spilling
If you're honest with yourself, then it's not too hard to figure out which secrets fall into the "Red Light! Stop and Spill Everything" category. But what about the ones — especially those transgressions from your distant past — that belong in the murkier "Slow Down and Think Before You Spill" zone? On the one hand, if some embarrassing episode from your history is long past and has no impact on your life today, you can consider keeping your lips sealed. "My husband works in law enforcement, and he's totally on the straight and narrow, which is something I love about him," says Kimberly, 38. "I've never told him that I smoked pot a few times in college because it's something I would never do again, I didn't even enjoy the drug, and he's never asked me about it. Plus, the people who I partied with are so far removed from my life now that they probably don't even remember me. So why open a potential can of worms?"
And that brings up another important factor when weighing whether or not to tell. Murphy's Law of love says that the less you want a secret to be revealed, the more likely it is to suddenly spring up in your relationship like a jack-in-the-box, shouting, "Gotcha!" So consider this: Are there any pictures floating around on the Internet that might give you away? Any friends who have a habit of telling your somewhat sordid old stories after a couple of mojitos? How about an ex-lover who could potentially reappear? If there's any way your partner might accidentally learn your secret, it's better that you do the telling first. "Before we got married, my fiancé and I decided to tell each other about all our past lovers," says Allison, 29. "To my surprise, he admitted that he'd had sex a few times with a man before he realized that he was definitely not into guys. I thought, Wow, he's willing to be totally honest with me about everything, even on a topic most guys would completely deny."
Coming clean about your sexual past is a worthy goal — but Kirshenbaum warns that you must tread carefully. "You don't need to give the exact number of previous lovers or endless details about what you did with them," she says. "There's absolutely no point in filling your partner's head with mental images that can't be deleted." Allison admits that on "insecure days," the thought of her husband with another man sneaks its way back into her mind: "We've been married for three years now, but there have been days when I've asked him, ‘Have you ever thought of being with a guy again?' I once even asked if he would consider hooking up with his boring, unattractive, totally straight best friend! He gets upset that I would ever think he would cheat on me with anyone." As Allison learned, even secrets that bring you closer — and have nothing to do with the life that you're building together today — can cause uncomfortable aftershocks.
Shhh! Secrets That Won't Kill Him
Sure, as a rule, honesty is the best policy — we've been hearing it since grade school and it's still true. But anyone who's been in a long-term relationship knows that there is definitely some wiggle room when it comes to keeping a few personal tidbits to yourself, provided they are harmless and don't involve any outright lies. Maybe you earned a bonus or a little extra cash on eBay and spent it all on a new leather jacket without telling him; or he listens to Howard Stern on the radio on his way to work and doesn't tell you. "Even when we're married, we still have private selves," says Kirshenbaum. "It's healthy to have a sense that this is my personal business and no one else's." In fact, keeping an innocent little part of yourself off-limits can add some spark to your relationship — if he knew every last detail about your life, then what fun revelations could there possibly be in the future?
Some couples find that hanging a veil of secrecy over certain aspects of their lives helps make their marriages run much more smoothly. "For the first decade of our marriage, my husband and I fought over every purchase I made, from a bag of cleaning supplies to a new coat," says Laurel, 36. "Finally, I had this breakthrough — if he doesn't see a bill, he won't think about it! So now I use cash when I shop. If I want to buy a pair of shoes, and I can afford them, he doesn't have to know how much they cost. Believe me, everyone in the house is a lot happier now."
This kind of "don't ask, don't tell" domestic policy can help stabilize a relationship, says Hendrix, but consider this: "Some couples have these types of collusions, where they don't check with each other on their spending, and their marriage lasts 50 years," he observes. "But you're keeping that stability at the cost of a completely open relationship." So make sure you and your guy are on the same page — if you're both willing to trade complete candor for a bit of ignorance-is-bliss harmony, then there's no harm, and plenty of potential gain. But, Haltzman points out, this deal only works when it goes both ways — don't harass him about the cost of his new camera lens if you don't want him to ask you the price of that new handbag — and when it doesn't involve an area you are working on together, like a budget. "If your partner has expressed a desire to work cooperatively on something and you're still keeping information from him, then you've crossed that line," Haltzman says.
One clue that your secret is a healthy one: The evidence is usually hidden in plain sight. If your partner really wanted to know how much those shoes cost, he could notice the fancy label on the insole; if you really wanted to know what offensive radio show he was listening to, you could click on his preprogrammed radio stations next time you're in the car. Veronica, 38, has a secret that's literally written all over her face: "My husband has no idea I get Botox a couple of times a year," she says. "He's against anything cosmetic — in fact, he says I'm most beautiful right after a sweaty tennis match. But it's my body and my money." The irony? "He's never noticed the Botox, which saves us from fighting about it, but it also makes me question how effective this expensive treatment really is!"
Veronica sees her secret as liberating — it gives her a feeling of independence and mastery over her own body and life — but some deceptions are just plain burdensome, often creating more anxiety and distress than coming clean ever would. "I agonized about my secret for the first several months I was dating my now husband," says Cathy, 41. "I'm 10 years older than he is, and I was sure he would dump me if he found out." Her day of reckoning came when they joined Paul's mother for dinner at a Chinese restaurant. "She looked on the place mat and said, 'I was born in the year of the monkey. Which year are you?'" Cathy steeled herself and told the truth, revealing her age. "I was sure my boyfriend would break up with me, but he just laughed and said he didn't think I was too old for him. He was worried that I would think he was too young for me!" Proof that the truth has a way of coming out — and when you've got a partner you trust, it doesn't have to be so awful after all.
How to Spill a Secret
Here's the smart and sensitive way to tell your guy what you've been hiding:
Make an appointment. Don't just spring it on him — say, "I have something important to discuss with you. Can we find an hour tonight to talk?"
Pick the right spot. Avoid spilling in a crowded public place, like a restaurant, or your bedroom, which should be reserved for positive experiences. Find a safe, neutral spot, like the den or a park.
Be prepared to apologize. "The big mistake is trying to make it seem as if the revelation is no big deal," says marriage counselor Mira Kirshenbaum. "You need to say, 'I'm sorry, there's something I should have told you a long time ago, but I was ashamed to tell you. I hope you'll forgive me.'"
Enlist a third party. A major reveal works best with a referee. Recruit a friend you both trust — or in the case of the biggest bombshells, such as an affair, a marriage counselor.
*Names have been changed.
advertisement
In a perfect relationship, you wouldn't keep any secrets from your sweetie. And you'd never have to worry if he were keeping anything from you, because his life, too, would be an open book.
But we live in the real world, where even the healthiest couples sometimes hide things from each other. To most of us, the secret to end all secrets (and many marriages) is an affair — and no one will quibble with the devastating consequences of infidelity. Yet even "small" deceptions can rock a relationship, and it can be hard to draw the line between what's harmless and what's not.
After all, secret keeping is often about protection: A secret can be an attempt to shield yourself, by hiding something you don't want your partner to see (like old pictures of you before you had your deviated septum fixed), or it can be about shielding him from an unnecessary worry or fear (like how much you really dig your vibrator). And that's not all bad: A little mystery can be sexy. But how to tell what can stay safely tucked away and what calls for a confession? We asked experts to outline the rules for secret keeping (and sharing).
Secrets You Must Spill
If you want a relationship grounded in mutual trust (and who doesn't?), certain issues require full disclosure. "If something has a chance of impacting your partner's future or his life with you, then he has a right to know about it," says Mira Kirshenbaum, a relationship expert and author of Is He Mr. Right? This includes anything from the past that has reverberations in the present (lingering debts, a chronic medical condition, past sexual or emotional abuse), and anything in the present that could affect the future (a health scare, a potential downsizing at work).
As many couples find out too late, when you keep a secret that profoundly affects your family, you face a double whammy when the secret eventually — or inevitably — implodes: After the first shock wave from the hidden truth rips through the family, you're hit with the secondary tremors that come from the resulting feelings of betrayal and distrust. "My husband was running a retail Website, and he assured me it was doing well," recalls Karen,* a 39-year-old mom of two. "I thought I could stay home with my children and not have to worry about making money myself."
A year ago, however, Karen discovered that her husband's business was in the hole for more than $1 million, and he had taken out a line of credit against their house. The truth came out only when he announced that he would have to take an additional job. "I was furious!" Karen says. A year later, her family has begun recovering from the financial blow — they've settled in a new town, and her husband found a good job — but Karen is still dealing with her sense of hurt, anger, and betrayal. "He says he didn't tell me about it because he thought he could turn his business around, and he was just so embarrassed that he couldn't support our family. But I couldn't believe he left me in the dark for all those years," she says now.
When confronted with such a big, sudden revelation, it's natural to think, Why didn't you tell me? I'm the one person on earth who is supposed to understand! But the reasons men, in particular, keep secrets like these are multilayered, say the experts. They may, like Karen's husband, want to keep up an appearance of being strong and in control — out of fear that you'll stop loving them if you see them in a different, vulnerable light. They may be loath to deal with the turbulence they know their secret will unleash. And yes, some men may just hope that silence will help them avoid a fight. "Men are wary of women's emotional reactivity and usually shy away from conflicts," says REDBOOK Love Network expert Scott Haltzman, M.D., author of
The Secrets of Happily Married Men.
"They'll do anything to avoid making a woman furious, though they usually end up making things worse."
Dawn's story is a prime example of a husband's face-saving secret spinning out of control: "A couple of years ago, my husband, Paul, asked me if his friend could borrow our car," says Dawn, a 45-year-old mother of three. "I checked our insurance policy, found that we wouldn't be covered for another driver, and told him no." Paul lent the car anyway, and his friend hit a pedestrian. At first, Paul tried to keep the accident under wraps, dealing with the police report and insurance forms himself. But when the pedestrian decided to sue, Paul had no choice but to go to his wife — a lawyer — for help. "I felt like he had pulled the rug out from under me," says Dawn. She and Paul have been seeing a counselor to deal with the emotional fallout of his deception.
Even when your secret is something that seems minor to you, you must be open with your partner if it's related to a topic he's expressed curiosity or a strong opinion about. "As soon as you get serious with someone, sit down and ask him, 'Is there anything you want to know about me that I haven't told you yet?'" advises REDBOOK Love Network expert Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., author of Getting the Love You Want.
It's a clear-the-air strategy even long-term couples can use. And as counterintuitive as this may sound, the more likely your partner is to freak out about your secret, the more important it is that you confess, Hendrix adds, because if the truth about a sensitive subject comes out later, the rupture could be even more serious. Not only does your partner need all of this information to be able to make informed decisions about your life together, he also needs to know that you trust him enough to share it. "If you don't tell your partner about something, then you're really saying he's not wise enough, generous enough, or loving enough to handle it," says Kirshenbaum.
"And that can be deeply wounding."
Ilana found herself at a make-or-break moment several months into her relationship with her husband, Kevin. "When we started dating, Kevin made it very clear that he was antiabortion," says Ilana, 29, a mom of two. "Even though I'm pro-choice, I grew up in a very conservative family, and I respected his views. But I was worried about telling him that I had terminated a pregnancy in college. I wasn't going to lie about it, but I certainly wasn't going to offer up the information right away." When it became clear that their relationship was heading toward marriage, though, Kevin asked Ilana point-blank if she'd ever had an abortion. "I told him the truth, and he wasn't thrilled, but he accepted it as part of who I am, and we've never talked about it again," she says. "But it's a good thing I told him then, because a few years later, when I was in the hospital about to give birth to our daughter, every nurse and doctor who walked in to examine me or fill out a form asked how many previous pregnancies I'd had. It would have been horrible if he'd found out my secret while I was in the throes of labor."
Secrets to Consider Spilling
If you're honest with yourself, then it's not too hard to figure out which secrets fall into the "Red Light! Stop and Spill Everything" category. But what about the ones — especially those transgressions from your distant past — that belong in the murkier "Slow Down and Think Before You Spill" zone? On the one hand, if some embarrassing episode from your history is long past and has no impact on your life today, you can consider keeping your lips sealed. "My husband works in law enforcement, and he's totally on the straight and narrow, which is something I love about him," says Kimberly, 38. "I've never told him that I smoked pot a few times in college because it's something I would never do again, I didn't even enjoy the drug, and he's never asked me about it. Plus, the people who I partied with are so far removed from my life now that they probably don't even remember me. So why open a potential can of worms?"
And that brings up another important factor when weighing whether or not to tell. Murphy's Law of love says that the less you want a secret to be revealed, the more likely it is to suddenly spring up in your relationship like a jack-in-the-box, shouting, "Gotcha!" So consider this: Are there any pictures floating around on the Internet that might give you away? Any friends who have a habit of telling your somewhat sordid old stories after a couple of mojitos? How about an ex-lover who could potentially reappear? If there's any way your partner might accidentally learn your secret, it's better that you do the telling first. "Before we got married, my fiancé and I decided to tell each other about all our past lovers," says Allison, 29. "To my surprise, he admitted that he'd had sex a few times with a man before he realized that he was definitely not into guys. I thought, Wow, he's willing to be totally honest with me about everything, even on a topic most guys would completely deny."
Coming clean about your sexual past is a worthy goal — but Kirshenbaum warns that you must tread carefully. "You don't need to give the exact number of previous lovers or endless details about what you did with them," she says. "There's absolutely no point in filling your partner's head with mental images that can't be deleted." Allison admits that on "insecure days," the thought of her husband with another man sneaks its way back into her mind: "We've been married for three years now, but there have been days when I've asked him, ‘Have you ever thought of being with a guy again?' I once even asked if he would consider hooking up with his boring, unattractive, totally straight best friend! He gets upset that I would ever think he would cheat on me with anyone." As Allison learned, even secrets that bring you closer — and have nothing to do with the life that you're building together today — can cause uncomfortable aftershocks.
Shhh! Secrets That Won't Kill Him
Sure, as a rule, honesty is the best policy — we've been hearing it since grade school and it's still true. But anyone who's been in a long-term relationship knows that there is definitely some wiggle room when it comes to keeping a few personal tidbits to yourself, provided they are harmless and don't involve any outright lies. Maybe you earned a bonus or a little extra cash on eBay and spent it all on a new leather jacket without telling him; or he listens to Howard Stern on the radio on his way to work and doesn't tell you. "Even when we're married, we still have private selves," says Kirshenbaum. "It's healthy to have a sense that this is my personal business and no one else's." In fact, keeping an innocent little part of yourself off-limits can add some spark to your relationship — if he knew every last detail about your life, then what fun revelations could there possibly be in the future?
Some couples find that hanging a veil of secrecy over certain aspects of their lives helps make their marriages run much more smoothly. "For the first decade of our marriage, my husband and I fought over every purchase I made, from a bag of cleaning supplies to a new coat," says Laurel, 36. "Finally, I had this breakthrough — if he doesn't see a bill, he won't think about it! So now I use cash when I shop. If I want to buy a pair of shoes, and I can afford them, he doesn't have to know how much they cost. Believe me, everyone in the house is a lot happier now."
This kind of "don't ask, don't tell" domestic policy can help stabilize a relationship, says Hendrix, but consider this: "Some couples have these types of collusions, where they don't check with each other on their spending, and their marriage lasts 50 years," he observes. "But you're keeping that stability at the cost of a completely open relationship." So make sure you and your guy are on the same page — if you're both willing to trade complete candor for a bit of ignorance-is-bliss harmony, then there's no harm, and plenty of potential gain. But, Haltzman points out, this deal only works when it goes both ways — don't harass him about the cost of his new camera lens if you don't want him to ask you the price of that new handbag — and when it doesn't involve an area you are working on together, like a budget. "If your partner has expressed a desire to work cooperatively on something and you're still keeping information from him, then you've crossed that line," Haltzman says.
One clue that your secret is a healthy one: The evidence is usually hidden in plain sight. If your partner really wanted to know how much those shoes cost, he could notice the fancy label on the insole; if you really wanted to know what offensive radio show he was listening to, you could click on his preprogrammed radio stations next time you're in the car. Veronica, 38, has a secret that's literally written all over her face: "My husband has no idea I get Botox a couple of times a year," she says. "He's against anything cosmetic — in fact, he says I'm most beautiful right after a sweaty tennis match. But it's my body and my money." The irony? "He's never noticed the Botox, which saves us from fighting about it, but it also makes me question how effective this expensive treatment really is!"
Veronica sees her secret as liberating — it gives her a feeling of independence and mastery over her own body and life — but some deceptions are just plain burdensome, often creating more anxiety and distress than coming clean ever would. "I agonized about my secret for the first several months I was dating my now husband," says Cathy, 41. "I'm 10 years older than he is, and I was sure he would dump me if he found out." Her day of reckoning came when they joined Paul's mother for dinner at a Chinese restaurant. "She looked on the place mat and said, 'I was born in the year of the monkey. Which year are you?'" Cathy steeled herself and told the truth, revealing her age. "I was sure my boyfriend would break up with me, but he just laughed and said he didn't think I was too old for him. He was worried that I would think he was too young for me!" Proof that the truth has a way of coming out — and when you've got a partner you trust, it doesn't have to be so awful after all.
How to Spill a Secret
Here's the smart and sensitive way to tell your guy what you've been hiding:
Make an appointment. Don't just spring it on him — say, "I have something important to discuss with you. Can we find an hour tonight to talk?"
Pick the right spot. Avoid spilling in a crowded public place, like a restaurant, or your bedroom, which should be reserved for positive experiences. Find a safe, neutral spot, like the den or a park.
Be prepared to apologize. "The big mistake is trying to make it seem as if the revelation is no big deal," says marriage counselor Mira Kirshenbaum. "You need to say, 'I'm sorry, there's something I should have told you a long time ago, but I was ashamed to tell you. I hope you'll forgive me.'"
Enlist a third party. A major reveal works best with a referee. Recruit a friend you both trust — or in the case of the biggest bombshells, such as an affair, a marriage counselor.
*Names have been changed.
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
My First Day at College
When I first rolled into Trinity Western University in my parent’s minivan on O-Day oh-two, it was only my second time ever visiting the campus. The previous January, I had taken a quick tour in the middle of a snowstorm with a friendly Egyptian named Sam, but all I remembered from that were the hours for the Mail Centre (9 am to 5 pm, Monday – Friday, if you were wondering) . I knew I was showing up for something called “Orientation Week”, but the name didn’t offer many details on what my First Day at College was going to be like.
My first day at college! Well, “university”, I guess, but that sounds too elegant to get excited about. Hometown kids returning from the big city used to spout stories of their time away at college – but from those guys, there are really only two First Days at College stories: the one about beer, and the one about feeling horribly awkward. I’d never heard the one about being surrounded and engulfed by a raging sea of forcefully helpful people in Hawaiian shirts, so I guess that’s why I was a little surprised when Cathy Chapplow led her squadron of SOS leaders to my van, battered the doors down and started carting my belongings away, like an ant colony with guerilla tactics.
Stepping out of the van was like stepping into the Moulin Rouge, except instead of can-can girls and Ewan McGregor, there were a bunch of people in flowery t-shirts telling me how to get to “RNT”. I believe these people were trained to speak only in acronyms. All I really wanted to know was “Where’s my room?” and “Where can I store my boxes?”, but it was like trying to talk to C3PO. They’d all answer my questions with indecipherable strings of nonsense syllables, saying things like: “Go to RSC and ask your RA or SOS leader to get the RD to FUBAR the BQQ with the FHQWHGADS.”
For every new Confused New Person (“CNP”), there were at least three Helpful Happy People (or “HHP”’s, as I believe they prefer to be called), making it impossible to get to know anybody without accidentally being assisted with something. All us freshmen and freshladies got to wear these fancy laminated name-cards ( “FLNC”s) around our neck (“NECK”), which allowed us to introduce ourselves without even speaking out loud. This didn’t stop people from asking questions, though. By evening, I was hoarse from non-stop question-answering, but the only things I’d said all day were my name, major and hometown, repeated over and over again, like I was some strange mix between Jacob Two-Two and that guy from the Aviator.
It took a few weeks, but after a while, we all started to settle in. By “settle in”, I mean we started feeling confident and comfortable enough to complain about things freely. We all tried our hardest to make other people see and comprehend who we were and why we mattered, struttin’ around like chickens with our heads glued on, finding dorms and d-groups and teams and parties and girl/boyfriends and other means of proving we were all grown up. The funny thing is – and this is the part that you don’t find out till later – with motives like that, it all only proves the opposite.
Explanation: one day, second year, I visited the Career Centre (I think the actual acronym is CFLCACD) for some help with my resume. Of course, my rez. included a little info on what high school I went to. The lady helping me took one look at it, glanced up at me and said, “Honey? I hate to tell you this, but…high school doesn’t matter anymore.” And with that, she took her black Sharpie, slashed it across the page, and thus obliterated my entire secondary school experience.
So it’s like that. High-school’s done, and so are all the games you needed to play. It’s not that this place is forcing you to change or grow up, it just means you can start again. University’s a new life, and maybe you can take the chance to figure out the person you actually are, rather than just being what people told you to be. Make less time for proving yourself and more time for listening and learning and changing. Or as we like to say around here, “MLFPYAMTFLALAC.”
My first day at college! Well, “university”, I guess, but that sounds too elegant to get excited about. Hometown kids returning from the big city used to spout stories of their time away at college – but from those guys, there are really only two First Days at College stories: the one about beer, and the one about feeling horribly awkward. I’d never heard the one about being surrounded and engulfed by a raging sea of forcefully helpful people in Hawaiian shirts, so I guess that’s why I was a little surprised when Cathy Chapplow led her squadron of SOS leaders to my van, battered the doors down and started carting my belongings away, like an ant colony with guerilla tactics.
Stepping out of the van was like stepping into the Moulin Rouge, except instead of can-can girls and Ewan McGregor, there were a bunch of people in flowery t-shirts telling me how to get to “RNT”. I believe these people were trained to speak only in acronyms. All I really wanted to know was “Where’s my room?” and “Where can I store my boxes?”, but it was like trying to talk to C3PO. They’d all answer my questions with indecipherable strings of nonsense syllables, saying things like: “Go to RSC and ask your RA or SOS leader to get the RD to FUBAR the BQQ with the FHQWHGADS.”
For every new Confused New Person (“CNP”), there were at least three Helpful Happy People (or “HHP”’s, as I believe they prefer to be called), making it impossible to get to know anybody without accidentally being assisted with something. All us freshmen and freshladies got to wear these fancy laminated name-cards ( “FLNC”s) around our neck (“NECK”), which allowed us to introduce ourselves without even speaking out loud. This didn’t stop people from asking questions, though. By evening, I was hoarse from non-stop question-answering, but the only things I’d said all day were my name, major and hometown, repeated over and over again, like I was some strange mix between Jacob Two-Two and that guy from the Aviator.
It took a few weeks, but after a while, we all started to settle in. By “settle in”, I mean we started feeling confident and comfortable enough to complain about things freely. We all tried our hardest to make other people see and comprehend who we were and why we mattered, struttin’ around like chickens with our heads glued on, finding dorms and d-groups and teams and parties and girl/boyfriends and other means of proving we were all grown up. The funny thing is – and this is the part that you don’t find out till later – with motives like that, it all only proves the opposite.
Explanation: one day, second year, I visited the Career Centre (I think the actual acronym is CFLCACD) for some help with my resume. Of course, my rez. included a little info on what high school I went to. The lady helping me took one look at it, glanced up at me and said, “Honey? I hate to tell you this, but…high school doesn’t matter anymore.” And with that, she took her black Sharpie, slashed it across the page, and thus obliterated my entire secondary school experience.
So it’s like that. High-school’s done, and so are all the games you needed to play. It’s not that this place is forcing you to change or grow up, it just means you can start again. University’s a new life, and maybe you can take the chance to figure out the person you actually are, rather than just being what people told you to be. Make less time for proving yourself and more time for listening and learning and changing. Or as we like to say around here, “MLFPYAMTFLALAC.”
How She Broke My Heart
When I was 14 years old, in the mournful winter days of a pre-millenium February, my very first girlfriend ever broke up with me after 8 months of earnest yet naïve dating. Of all possible days to break up with me, she chose Valentine’s Day. And she did it over e-mail. The e-mail consisted only of the lyrics to the song “Believe” by Cher, followed by the words “I’m…I’m sorry.” For a brief simulation of how this must have felt, please briefly visit this unknown person’s GeoCities page, and then come back right away.
Upon receiving the email, I hadn’t actually heard the song yet. It was brand new on the radio, so all I had were the words, detached from their peppy and empowering musical context. For those of you unfamiliar with the song, let’s experience it together.
In the first verse, we find out that Cher is: “So sad that you’re leaving / Takes time to believe it / But after all is said and done / You’re going to be the lonely one, ohh oh.” We go on to experience verse 2, in which she states: “I need love to feel strong / ‘Cause I’ve had time to think it through / And maybe I’m too good for you, ohh oh”.
These verses are punctuated by the chorus, during which Cher asks if you believe in life after love, because she feels something inside her say, she really doesn’t think you’re strong enough now. The song culminates in a brutal (yet catchy) victory cry, where Cher and my ex-girlfriend join together in a triumphant duet, proudly declaring: “I don’t need you anymore / Oh I don’t need you anymore / I don’t need you anymore / No I don’t need you anymore!”.
In the days following, I tried very, very hard to imagine what might have inspired her to do this to me, but I’m still a little stumped. The best I can up with is she was probably doing aerobics in her house, jazzercising around her room in sync to Cher’s peppy little pop tune and thinking to herself, “I feel empowered! I’ll break up with Kevan! Yeah! And I’ll do it by sending him the lyrics from this vicious and cold-hearted break-up song!”
I bet that synthetic whoosing sound in the intro and modulated auto-tune thing really made it seem like a good idea at the time, huh? Well, guess what: it wasn’t. Especially when the only thing accompanying the lyrics were the shattering sounds emanating from within my chest. Jeez, it’s been like, over 8 years since it happened and I still get all misty-eyed when I hear Cher’s digitally manipulated voice telling me she doesn’t need me anymore.
I guess I just wanted to advise you all to be careful. Whenever you feel that maybe a quote from a song might express your emotions better than you can, you are wrong. There are many songs out there which seem like nice songs when you first listen to them, but were actually composed by Satan himself in his special studio on the bottom level of hell. These songs include Justin Timberlake’s “Cry Me A River,” that song “Too Little Too Late” by Jo-Jo (because I know one of you was thinking of using it), and pretty much anything sung by Bright Eyes or Chris Carrabba. As Bambi’s mother said, if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t expect the lyrics from some pop song to say it any more tactfully. And good grief, don’t say it over e-mail.
Upon receiving the email, I hadn’t actually heard the song yet. It was brand new on the radio, so all I had were the words, detached from their peppy and empowering musical context. For those of you unfamiliar with the song, let’s experience it together.
In the first verse, we find out that Cher is: “So sad that you’re leaving / Takes time to believe it / But after all is said and done / You’re going to be the lonely one, ohh oh.” We go on to experience verse 2, in which she states: “I need love to feel strong / ‘Cause I’ve had time to think it through / And maybe I’m too good for you, ohh oh”.
These verses are punctuated by the chorus, during which Cher asks if you believe in life after love, because she feels something inside her say, she really doesn’t think you’re strong enough now. The song culminates in a brutal (yet catchy) victory cry, where Cher and my ex-girlfriend join together in a triumphant duet, proudly declaring: “I don’t need you anymore / Oh I don’t need you anymore / I don’t need you anymore / No I don’t need you anymore!”.
In the days following, I tried very, very hard to imagine what might have inspired her to do this to me, but I’m still a little stumped. The best I can up with is she was probably doing aerobics in her house, jazzercising around her room in sync to Cher’s peppy little pop tune and thinking to herself, “I feel empowered! I’ll break up with Kevan! Yeah! And I’ll do it by sending him the lyrics from this vicious and cold-hearted break-up song!”
I bet that synthetic whoosing sound in the intro and modulated auto-tune thing really made it seem like a good idea at the time, huh? Well, guess what: it wasn’t. Especially when the only thing accompanying the lyrics were the shattering sounds emanating from within my chest. Jeez, it’s been like, over 8 years since it happened and I still get all misty-eyed when I hear Cher’s digitally manipulated voice telling me she doesn’t need me anymore.
I guess I just wanted to advise you all to be careful. Whenever you feel that maybe a quote from a song might express your emotions better than you can, you are wrong. There are many songs out there which seem like nice songs when you first listen to them, but were actually composed by Satan himself in his special studio on the bottom level of hell. These songs include Justin Timberlake’s “Cry Me A River,” that song “Too Little Too Late” by Jo-Jo (because I know one of you was thinking of using it), and pretty much anything sung by Bright Eyes or Chris Carrabba. As Bambi’s mother said, if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t expect the lyrics from some pop song to say it any more tactfully. And good grief, don’t say it over e-mail.
Thursday, May 3, 2007
Days were falling like leaves.
The summer of 1986 brought with it a new warm feeling. On March 3rd, I celebrated my 10th birthday; on 31st of the same month passed my primary exam; moved into a new house and a new neighbourhood; and in the early weeks of April, got admission in a new school which, unlike my previous school, had separate rooms for every class, electricity, fans and most important of all it had chairs to sit in.
New school brought new friends and there started the long history of my making friends. By the time summer vacations arrived, I had learnt that English wasn’t just reciting ABC, it was a language one could speak. During the holidays I formed a Cricket Club in my neighbourhood and… do I have to tell you who became the captain of the team. After a few matches I named it “Ittehad (Unity) Cricket Club” for it was the only thing missing in my team.
At that time of my age I was concrete in my mind that I was to become an astronaut. There was one minor problem though, I just didn’t know how to become one.
One day in 1987, my science teacher caught me squinting my eyes and glaring at the blackboard and informed my father. In the next few days, I was wearing glasses. I shouldn’t have been sitting in the last row I guess. But then I was always a backbencher; you can’t play games in the front rows or can you?
The community of my friends had started enlarging. Asher became my best friend ever. We witnessed countless sunsets together, standing on a dirty footpath of a busy street or sitting on a broken bench in a deserted park; we dreamed of making a difference one day. That day is still to come.
College__ this one word had all the charm in the world and in 1991, I finally got there; Government Gordon College, Rawalpindi. During that stay of four years in the college, I made many life lasting friends, played a lot of cricket, wandered all over the places, started going to cinema, skipped classes, had arguments with teachers, was thrown out of the classroom, stood first in my college in graduation, and in the final year, had my first ever crush.
Once in every three times that I saw her, she was wearing a shade of brown. It was raining the day I first saw her. After that it kept on raining and she kept on appearing like a rainbow from nowhere. Then one day it stopped raining, she disappeared and never came back. I still like rain and adore brown color.
It wasn’t until 1996 I realized that I could write. Inspiration came from Saadat Hasan Manto whose writings made me think and write. And then there were Gulzar, Javed Akhtar, Earnest Hemmingway and Krishan Chander. I particularly admire Gulzar for he writes the language in which I dream. It was a rainy day (again) of that year when I wrote my first ever short story the house. Since then rain has become a vital part of my writing.
And rain looked even more beautiful when in February 1997, I took admission in Quaid_I_Azam University, Islamabad. I became a part of the 1997-99 session of the Department of International Relations. I wasn’t a backbencher any more, now I would sit in the third row. So what if there were only four rows in the class. Again I found good friends there and good teachers as well. Sir Imran Hameed’s viva sessions would always remain in my memory as a pleasant tension.
Looking back at all those years, I find a lot to remember and to cherish. Life has taken many twists and turns but it has always been beautiful. My parents have always extended their unconditional trust towards me. And my friends have always been there for me with their untiring company. I have named this page About Us instead of About Me, as a tribute to all those who have treaded with me even for one step.
Once there was a time where every morning I would ask myself, when would life start? Now, life starts every day. There are so many things waiting to be done, so many stories waiting to be written. I owe a lot to life and to God.
Days are falling like leaves.
New school brought new friends and there started the long history of my making friends. By the time summer vacations arrived, I had learnt that English wasn’t just reciting ABC, it was a language one could speak. During the holidays I formed a Cricket Club in my neighbourhood and… do I have to tell you who became the captain of the team. After a few matches I named it “Ittehad (Unity) Cricket Club” for it was the only thing missing in my team.
At that time of my age I was concrete in my mind that I was to become an astronaut. There was one minor problem though, I just didn’t know how to become one.
One day in 1987, my science teacher caught me squinting my eyes and glaring at the blackboard and informed my father. In the next few days, I was wearing glasses. I shouldn’t have been sitting in the last row I guess. But then I was always a backbencher; you can’t play games in the front rows or can you?
The community of my friends had started enlarging. Asher became my best friend ever. We witnessed countless sunsets together, standing on a dirty footpath of a busy street or sitting on a broken bench in a deserted park; we dreamed of making a difference one day. That day is still to come.
College__ this one word had all the charm in the world and in 1991, I finally got there; Government Gordon College, Rawalpindi. During that stay of four years in the college, I made many life lasting friends, played a lot of cricket, wandered all over the places, started going to cinema, skipped classes, had arguments with teachers, was thrown out of the classroom, stood first in my college in graduation, and in the final year, had my first ever crush.
Once in every three times that I saw her, she was wearing a shade of brown. It was raining the day I first saw her. After that it kept on raining and she kept on appearing like a rainbow from nowhere. Then one day it stopped raining, she disappeared and never came back. I still like rain and adore brown color.
It wasn’t until 1996 I realized that I could write. Inspiration came from Saadat Hasan Manto whose writings made me think and write. And then there were Gulzar, Javed Akhtar, Earnest Hemmingway and Krishan Chander. I particularly admire Gulzar for he writes the language in which I dream. It was a rainy day (again) of that year when I wrote my first ever short story the house. Since then rain has become a vital part of my writing.
And rain looked even more beautiful when in February 1997, I took admission in Quaid_I_Azam University, Islamabad. I became a part of the 1997-99 session of the Department of International Relations. I wasn’t a backbencher any more, now I would sit in the third row. So what if there were only four rows in the class. Again I found good friends there and good teachers as well. Sir Imran Hameed’s viva sessions would always remain in my memory as a pleasant tension.
Looking back at all those years, I find a lot to remember and to cherish. Life has taken many twists and turns but it has always been beautiful. My parents have always extended their unconditional trust towards me. And my friends have always been there for me with their untiring company. I have named this page About Us instead of About Me, as a tribute to all those who have treaded with me even for one step.
Once there was a time where every morning I would ask myself, when would life start? Now, life starts every day. There are so many things waiting to be done, so many stories waiting to be written. I owe a lot to life and to God.
Days are falling like leaves.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)