Lord knows this is not the sort of thing guys brag about. But my wife and I have a ridiculously happy marriage. Really, it's almost disgusting.
We paw each other in public. We goof around like a pair of simpletons. We basically act like giddy newlyweds in the middle of happy hour. Sometimes we'll do something so revolting, like sitting on the couch and drawing smiley faces on the bottoms of each other's feet, that we're forced to make hacking, gagging noises to maintain our dignity. Actually, this happened just last week.
See, I told you it was disgusting.
It hasn't always been this way. In fact, I'm not ashamed to admit that our current marital bliss is the result of almost a year of counseling, a desperate effort undertaken several years ago, when we appeared destined for doom. What we learned then is something all happy couples eventually discover: A good marriage is a bit like a pet boa constrictor: either you feed it every day or bad things happen. Daily habits are extremely helpful in forging solid marriages, says couples therapist Tina Tessina, author of How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free. "If you're really interested in making your relationship work, little rituals are a great way to do it."
Want examples? Look no further than Tessina and her husband, Richard, who have developed an array of daily relationship builders during their 19 years of marriage: Every morning, they repeat their wedding vows to each other; they hold regular state-of-the-union meetings; and (my personal favorite) Tina routinely leaves Post-it Notes for Richard ("Hi, honey! Have a great day!") stuck to the underside of the toilet seat (think about it).
"Every marriage has what I call a relationship reservoir, or the stored-up emotional energy of the relationship," says Tessina. And although these daily habits are all very simple things, they help fill that reservoir. When there's a lot of positive energy there, you give each other a little pat on the butt or say, "I'm so glad I'm sharing my life with you," and you're storing it up. Then when the relationship is under stress, you'll have the energy you need to get through.
We asked happy couples across the United States to tell us about marriage-strengthening solutions they've developed. Try your hand at incorporating a few into your daily life and maybe you can be as ridiculously, embarrassingly, revoltingly happily married as I am.
Daily Habit #1: Talk to Each Other
Want to know the one thing that's most important to a successful marriage? That's easy. Walk up to your husband and surprise him with this one-question relationship quiz:
You: "Honey, what do you think is the one thing most important to a successful marriage?"
Him: "Umm, uh did you say something?"
And, well, there you have it.
Happily married couples typically say their relationships work better when they can sit down and gab one-on-one, like thinking, feeling adults. But who's got time for that? Actually, anybody who sleeps at night, if you follow the lead of Julie and Thom and their nightly visits to their "igloo."
"It all started one winter night years ago, when Julie had had a really bad day," says Thom, 33, a marketing director in Columbus, Ohio. "We were huddled under the covers of our bed, and Julie was describing how all the people who made her day miserable were 'bad polar bears' and how she didn't want any of the bad polar bears coming into the bedroom and how the bed was our refuge from them. You realize how embarrassing it is to admit this, right? Anyway, that's when we started calling the bed the igloo."
"The igloo is a place to retreat to," says Julie, 31. "It's our little sanctuary; only nice things happen in the igloo."
Eventually Julie and Thom began holding a powwow in the igloo at the end of every day, making a nightly excursion that Julie says has become a vital part of their five-year marriage.
"It's funny, because I always thought that when you lived with somebody, you'd automatically know everything that was going on," she says. "But we find that if we don't take that time to connect with each other, it's really easy for life to get in the way. The igloo offers one of the few times in the day where there's not a whole heck of a lot else going on, so you're able to focus on each other in a deeper way."
Of course, you don't need to christen major pieces of furniture with cute nicknames to improve the communication in your marriage. You simply have to set aside a few minutes every day to remind each other of why you got married in the first place. And there are as many ways to do that as there are marriages in America.
Lori and Joe, who are happily married in Philadelphia, have a nightly ritual they call crook time. That's when Lori cuddles up in the "crook" of Joe's shoulder and they talk. "The name's a little sappy," Lori admits, "but it's always a nice way for us to catch up."
Every night, Angie and Bob walk their pet Chihuahua, Chachi, through the streets of Brookline, Massachusetts. In addition to keeping Chachi from picking dogfights he could never win ("He has a bit of a Napoleon complex," Bob says), they use the time to strengthen their 11-year marriage.
It may be going a bit far to emulate Tim and Jill, a Connecticut couple who somewhat sheepishly admit that they check in with each other from work "six, maybe seven times a day," Tim says, "sometimes a dozen times when we're really being crazy." (Jill says, slightly more defiantly, "He's just my best friend, and our marriage is a great partnership, and there's no one I'd rather talk to.")
Then again, if you've been married 10 years and still want to talk to each other 10 times a day, you must be doing something right.
Daily Habit #2: Flirt
Back when you were 14 years old, you probably figured that once you got married, you'd have sex just about every day. (Well, maybe teenage girls don't think that way. But let me tell you, 14-year-old boys sure do.) And why not? Sex is free. It's fun. And it doesn't require the purchase of any equipment, besides the occasional bottle of vegetable oil and about 20 feet of nylon rope.
But as they get older, most couples realize that having sex every night isn't possible, let alone a worthy goal. Indeed, a 1994 University of Chicago survey of Americans' sexual habits found that only about a third of adults have sex more than once a week. Granted, that number might have been higher if all the couples having sex more frequently had stopped to take the surveyor's phone call, but clearly, sex for most married couples is far from a daily reality.
That doesn't mean, though, that you can't at least talk sexy every day, and that's the approach that Ed and Stephanie have taken in the more than six years they've been together.
"It's funny," says Ed, a 33-year-old San Francisco cab driver, "because we know plenty of married couples who fight, a lot, about how often they have sex. The wife's upset because all he ever wants to do is have sex; the husband's upset because he doesn't think they have sex enough. But this has never really been a problem with us, and I think it has a lot do with the fact that we're always talking sexy to each other."
"Absolutely," says Stephanie, a 32-year-old massage therapist. "We're always complimenting each other, tossing out fantasies, telling each other we're hot. He gets to feel like he can have sexual feelings, and I feel like I don't have to have sex all the time to appear attractive.
"Let's put it this way: The way I see it, sex is like chocolate cake. After five days of eating chocolate cake, even chocolate cake doesn't taste that great."
"Right," Ed says, "but after five days of talking about chocolate cake?"
"That cake tastes damn good."
Daily Habit #3: Get Stupid Together
Eavesdrop on a conversation between Bob and Angie concerning their favorite shared pastime.
"We are so disgusting. This is so pathetic. It's like a sickness."
"But it makes us happy!"
"It's so stupid it makes us laugh."
"We're yelling at people. High-fiving each other."
"Look, we get a kick out of it because it's so ridiculous. It's our guilty pleasure."
Forgive them if they seem somewhat shy, but they're merely ashamed to admit that the daily ritual that brings such joy to their 12-year marriage is none other than reality TV. That's right. They lived and died with Survivor. They've adopted Big Brother. Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? They do. Not to mention Temptation Island, The Weakest Link, The Real World, Chains of Love, Fear Factor, The Mole (yes, really, The Mole).
"Honestly, I think we just need to be dumb for a while," says Bob, 37, a shoe designer for Reebok in Boston. "We're both very into our careers. And when you're at work, with any job there's going to be a certain amount of professional stress. You like to come home sometimes and, for that lousy hour or whatever, kick back and relax."
Or as Angie, 36, a marketing executive, says, "Life is serious enough, isn't it? Sometimes you need to do something stupid. And if you can't be stupid with your husband, who can you be stupid with?"
Daily Habit #4: Declare Your Independence
So hold on, then: Is domestic joy found in partners smothering each other in obsessive daily rituals ("Honey, don't forget, at 7:15 we have our nightly cuddle, followed by the affirmation of our vows, our 7:35 spontaneous flirtation, and then, of course, a new episode of Moesha at eight")?
Hardly. In fact, Tessina says that sleepwalking through a series of hollow routines (although probably an apt description of your day job) is worse for your marriage than having no routines at all. The solution, she says, is to also make a daily habit of getting away from each other.
"You know that old saying, 'How can I miss you if you don't go away?'" Tessina asks. "Doing things separately gives you a chance to fill in the blanks that your partner can't fill in for you, for example, one of you likes classical music, the other one likes sports. Plus, taking a break from each other gives you more things to talk about, because when you're joined at the hip, what's to talk about? You've already seen it all."
The point, naturally, is not to make space for each other in that I-can't-wait-to-get-away-from-you sort of way but to pursue your own hobbies and interests. It's a distinction that Joe tried hard to make to Lori during their delicate pre-engagement negotiations four years ago.
"As a woman, you get this message that when you get married, you spend every single waking second with your husband and you're so unbelievably happy," says Lori, 34. "And my parents actually do spend every single waking second together, and oddly enough, they are happy. So that's how I grew up thinking you were supposed to be. But when I told him this, Joe was like, 'I-don't-think-so.'"
"Because I watched my parents," says Joe, 29, whose parents divorced when he was 22, "and yeah, they spent every moment together, but they spent every moment together at each other's throats."
"So Joe had to convince me that having our own lives was a good idea," Lori explains. "I'm thankful he did."
These days Lori and Joe are practically poster children for the power of independence. Joe, who works for a nonprofit agency, spends his nights taking painting classes, building youth centers, and recording his guitar sessions. Lori, a college professor, spends hers directing community-theater musicals and indulging in trashy movies on cable television, a passion that Joe (go figure) doesn't seem to share.
"It all brings a freshness to our marriage because we both continue to grow as people," Joe says.
"Plus," says Lori, "getting out of the house and out of each other's hair keeps us from going crazy."
And -- we asked the experts, so we know -- going crazy is definitely not one of the secrets of a happy marriage.
Daily Habit #5: Share a Spiritual Moment
In another University of Chicago survey, this one of married couples, 75 percent of the Americans who pray with their spouses reported that their marriages are "very happy" (compared to 57 percent of those who don't). Those who pray together are also more likely to say they respect each other, discuss their marriage together, and -- stop the presses -- rate their spouses as skilled lovers.
Not to say that prayer is a cure for all that ails you (were that the case, my beloved Oakland Raiders would have won the Super Bowl years ago). But whether they're talking about a simple grace at dinnertime or some soul-searching meditation, couples routinely say that a shared spiritual life helps keep them close. And as Doug and Beth say, even couples who are on different sides of the theological fence can benefit from praying together daily.
"We have been married for seven years, but praying together is something we didn't start doing until about a year ago," says Doug, a 32-year-old Salt Lake City biochemist. "In the past, whenever we faced big decisions, we'd have discussion after discussion about them, but we'd never really come to a resolution."
After two 1,000-mile moves, the birth of three children, and two job changes, all in the past four years, those difficult decisions had begun to take a toll. So when Beth asked Doug, a nonreligious and self-proclaimed man of science, to try praying with her, he figured they had nothing to lose.
"I soon found that praying together brings out a real sense of selflessness and humility," Doug says. "When you're praying for each other, not yourself, you're focused together and speaking from the heart on a whole different level. I would never have predicted this for us, but it really works."
"As bad as any problem may seem at that moment," agrees Beth, "prayer always helps us see beyond it. It doesn't have to be a long-drawn-out scripture reading, just a few minutes a day. When we pray, it brings another level of honesty to our conversations. I think it's the most intimate thing you can do with another person."
Now they pray together every night, once the "urchins" are in bed, which puts them in the company of the 32 percent of American married couples who say they pray together regularly. It also puts them in the company of Julie and Thom, when the other couple isn't holed up in their igloo, of course.
"It's pretty short and not at all scripted," says Julie about their giving thanks before each meal. "We just join hands and let it rip. Whether we're asking for forgiveness or giving thanks, saying it out loud holds a lot of power.
"Besides, regardless of religion or spiritual preference, I think that most marriages require a ton of faith," Julie sums up. "You've got to believe that somehow the two of you are going to make it through things. You've got to believe that you're being blessed with this person. And even if the power we feel just comes from the strength of our love, even if we don't believe that it's God who is helping us, I still think that it's good to acknowledge that there's a force between the two of us that's helping us out."
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Thursday, July 5, 2007
The Secrets Couples Keep
Have you ever hidden something from him about your past (or present)? Or has he ever stunned you with a secret of his own? Here, couples reveal their biggest bombshells. Plus, learn which secrets you must spill — and which ones to keep to yourself.By Marisa Cohen
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In a perfect relationship, you wouldn't keep any secrets from your sweetie. And you'd never have to worry if he were keeping anything from you, because his life, too, would be an open book.
But we live in the real world, where even the healthiest couples sometimes hide things from each other. To most of us, the secret to end all secrets (and many marriages) is an affair — and no one will quibble with the devastating consequences of infidelity. Yet even "small" deceptions can rock a relationship, and it can be hard to draw the line between what's harmless and what's not.
After all, secret keeping is often about protection: A secret can be an attempt to shield yourself, by hiding something you don't want your partner to see (like old pictures of you before you had your deviated septum fixed), or it can be about shielding him from an unnecessary worry or fear (like how much you really dig your vibrator). And that's not all bad: A little mystery can be sexy. But how to tell what can stay safely tucked away and what calls for a confession? We asked experts to outline the rules for secret keeping (and sharing).
Secrets You Must Spill
If you want a relationship grounded in mutual trust (and who doesn't?), certain issues require full disclosure. "If something has a chance of impacting your partner's future or his life with you, then he has a right to know about it," says Mira Kirshenbaum, a relationship expert and author of Is He Mr. Right? This includes anything from the past that has reverberations in the present (lingering debts, a chronic medical condition, past sexual or emotional abuse), and anything in the present that could affect the future (a health scare, a potential downsizing at work).
As many couples find out too late, when you keep a secret that profoundly affects your family, you face a double whammy when the secret eventually — or inevitably — implodes: After the first shock wave from the hidden truth rips through the family, you're hit with the secondary tremors that come from the resulting feelings of betrayal and distrust. "My husband was running a retail Website, and he assured me it was doing well," recalls Karen,* a 39-year-old mom of two. "I thought I could stay home with my children and not have to worry about making money myself."
A year ago, however, Karen discovered that her husband's business was in the hole for more than $1 million, and he had taken out a line of credit against their house. The truth came out only when he announced that he would have to take an additional job. "I was furious!" Karen says. A year later, her family has begun recovering from the financial blow — they've settled in a new town, and her husband found a good job — but Karen is still dealing with her sense of hurt, anger, and betrayal. "He says he didn't tell me about it because he thought he could turn his business around, and he was just so embarrassed that he couldn't support our family. But I couldn't believe he left me in the dark for all those years," she says now.
When confronted with such a big, sudden revelation, it's natural to think, Why didn't you tell me? I'm the one person on earth who is supposed to understand! But the reasons men, in particular, keep secrets like these are multilayered, say the experts. They may, like Karen's husband, want to keep up an appearance of being strong and in control — out of fear that you'll stop loving them if you see them in a different, vulnerable light. They may be loath to deal with the turbulence they know their secret will unleash. And yes, some men may just hope that silence will help them avoid a fight. "Men are wary of women's emotional reactivity and usually shy away from conflicts," says REDBOOK Love Network expert Scott Haltzman, M.D., author of
The Secrets of Happily Married Men.
"They'll do anything to avoid making a woman furious, though they usually end up making things worse."
Dawn's story is a prime example of a husband's face-saving secret spinning out of control: "A couple of years ago, my husband, Paul, asked me if his friend could borrow our car," says Dawn, a 45-year-old mother of three. "I checked our insurance policy, found that we wouldn't be covered for another driver, and told him no." Paul lent the car anyway, and his friend hit a pedestrian. At first, Paul tried to keep the accident under wraps, dealing with the police report and insurance forms himself. But when the pedestrian decided to sue, Paul had no choice but to go to his wife — a lawyer — for help. "I felt like he had pulled the rug out from under me," says Dawn. She and Paul have been seeing a counselor to deal with the emotional fallout of his deception.
Even when your secret is something that seems minor to you, you must be open with your partner if it's related to a topic he's expressed curiosity or a strong opinion about. "As soon as you get serious with someone, sit down and ask him, 'Is there anything you want to know about me that I haven't told you yet?'" advises REDBOOK Love Network expert Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., author of Getting the Love You Want.
It's a clear-the-air strategy even long-term couples can use. And as counterintuitive as this may sound, the more likely your partner is to freak out about your secret, the more important it is that you confess, Hendrix adds, because if the truth about a sensitive subject comes out later, the rupture could be even more serious. Not only does your partner need all of this information to be able to make informed decisions about your life together, he also needs to know that you trust him enough to share it. "If you don't tell your partner about something, then you're really saying he's not wise enough, generous enough, or loving enough to handle it," says Kirshenbaum.
"And that can be deeply wounding."
Ilana found herself at a make-or-break moment several months into her relationship with her husband, Kevin. "When we started dating, Kevin made it very clear that he was antiabortion," says Ilana, 29, a mom of two. "Even though I'm pro-choice, I grew up in a very conservative family, and I respected his views. But I was worried about telling him that I had terminated a pregnancy in college. I wasn't going to lie about it, but I certainly wasn't going to offer up the information right away." When it became clear that their relationship was heading toward marriage, though, Kevin asked Ilana point-blank if she'd ever had an abortion. "I told him the truth, and he wasn't thrilled, but he accepted it as part of who I am, and we've never talked about it again," she says. "But it's a good thing I told him then, because a few years later, when I was in the hospital about to give birth to our daughter, every nurse and doctor who walked in to examine me or fill out a form asked how many previous pregnancies I'd had. It would have been horrible if he'd found out my secret while I was in the throes of labor."
Secrets to Consider Spilling
If you're honest with yourself, then it's not too hard to figure out which secrets fall into the "Red Light! Stop and Spill Everything" category. But what about the ones — especially those transgressions from your distant past — that belong in the murkier "Slow Down and Think Before You Spill" zone? On the one hand, if some embarrassing episode from your history is long past and has no impact on your life today, you can consider keeping your lips sealed. "My husband works in law enforcement, and he's totally on the straight and narrow, which is something I love about him," says Kimberly, 38. "I've never told him that I smoked pot a few times in college because it's something I would never do again, I didn't even enjoy the drug, and he's never asked me about it. Plus, the people who I partied with are so far removed from my life now that they probably don't even remember me. So why open a potential can of worms?"
And that brings up another important factor when weighing whether or not to tell. Murphy's Law of love says that the less you want a secret to be revealed, the more likely it is to suddenly spring up in your relationship like a jack-in-the-box, shouting, "Gotcha!" So consider this: Are there any pictures floating around on the Internet that might give you away? Any friends who have a habit of telling your somewhat sordid old stories after a couple of mojitos? How about an ex-lover who could potentially reappear? If there's any way your partner might accidentally learn your secret, it's better that you do the telling first. "Before we got married, my fiancé and I decided to tell each other about all our past lovers," says Allison, 29. "To my surprise, he admitted that he'd had sex a few times with a man before he realized that he was definitely not into guys. I thought, Wow, he's willing to be totally honest with me about everything, even on a topic most guys would completely deny."
Coming clean about your sexual past is a worthy goal — but Kirshenbaum warns that you must tread carefully. "You don't need to give the exact number of previous lovers or endless details about what you did with them," she says. "There's absolutely no point in filling your partner's head with mental images that can't be deleted." Allison admits that on "insecure days," the thought of her husband with another man sneaks its way back into her mind: "We've been married for three years now, but there have been days when I've asked him, ‘Have you ever thought of being with a guy again?' I once even asked if he would consider hooking up with his boring, unattractive, totally straight best friend! He gets upset that I would ever think he would cheat on me with anyone." As Allison learned, even secrets that bring you closer — and have nothing to do with the life that you're building together today — can cause uncomfortable aftershocks.
Shhh! Secrets That Won't Kill Him
Sure, as a rule, honesty is the best policy — we've been hearing it since grade school and it's still true. But anyone who's been in a long-term relationship knows that there is definitely some wiggle room when it comes to keeping a few personal tidbits to yourself, provided they are harmless and don't involve any outright lies. Maybe you earned a bonus or a little extra cash on eBay and spent it all on a new leather jacket without telling him; or he listens to Howard Stern on the radio on his way to work and doesn't tell you. "Even when we're married, we still have private selves," says Kirshenbaum. "It's healthy to have a sense that this is my personal business and no one else's." In fact, keeping an innocent little part of yourself off-limits can add some spark to your relationship — if he knew every last detail about your life, then what fun revelations could there possibly be in the future?
Some couples find that hanging a veil of secrecy over certain aspects of their lives helps make their marriages run much more smoothly. "For the first decade of our marriage, my husband and I fought over every purchase I made, from a bag of cleaning supplies to a new coat," says Laurel, 36. "Finally, I had this breakthrough — if he doesn't see a bill, he won't think about it! So now I use cash when I shop. If I want to buy a pair of shoes, and I can afford them, he doesn't have to know how much they cost. Believe me, everyone in the house is a lot happier now."
This kind of "don't ask, don't tell" domestic policy can help stabilize a relationship, says Hendrix, but consider this: "Some couples have these types of collusions, where they don't check with each other on their spending, and their marriage lasts 50 years," he observes. "But you're keeping that stability at the cost of a completely open relationship." So make sure you and your guy are on the same page — if you're both willing to trade complete candor for a bit of ignorance-is-bliss harmony, then there's no harm, and plenty of potential gain. But, Haltzman points out, this deal only works when it goes both ways — don't harass him about the cost of his new camera lens if you don't want him to ask you the price of that new handbag — and when it doesn't involve an area you are working on together, like a budget. "If your partner has expressed a desire to work cooperatively on something and you're still keeping information from him, then you've crossed that line," Haltzman says.
One clue that your secret is a healthy one: The evidence is usually hidden in plain sight. If your partner really wanted to know how much those shoes cost, he could notice the fancy label on the insole; if you really wanted to know what offensive radio show he was listening to, you could click on his preprogrammed radio stations next time you're in the car. Veronica, 38, has a secret that's literally written all over her face: "My husband has no idea I get Botox a couple of times a year," she says. "He's against anything cosmetic — in fact, he says I'm most beautiful right after a sweaty tennis match. But it's my body and my money." The irony? "He's never noticed the Botox, which saves us from fighting about it, but it also makes me question how effective this expensive treatment really is!"
Veronica sees her secret as liberating — it gives her a feeling of independence and mastery over her own body and life — but some deceptions are just plain burdensome, often creating more anxiety and distress than coming clean ever would. "I agonized about my secret for the first several months I was dating my now husband," says Cathy, 41. "I'm 10 years older than he is, and I was sure he would dump me if he found out." Her day of reckoning came when they joined Paul's mother for dinner at a Chinese restaurant. "She looked on the place mat and said, 'I was born in the year of the monkey. Which year are you?'" Cathy steeled herself and told the truth, revealing her age. "I was sure my boyfriend would break up with me, but he just laughed and said he didn't think I was too old for him. He was worried that I would think he was too young for me!" Proof that the truth has a way of coming out — and when you've got a partner you trust, it doesn't have to be so awful after all.
How to Spill a Secret
Here's the smart and sensitive way to tell your guy what you've been hiding:
Make an appointment. Don't just spring it on him — say, "I have something important to discuss with you. Can we find an hour tonight to talk?"
Pick the right spot. Avoid spilling in a crowded public place, like a restaurant, or your bedroom, which should be reserved for positive experiences. Find a safe, neutral spot, like the den or a park.
Be prepared to apologize. "The big mistake is trying to make it seem as if the revelation is no big deal," says marriage counselor Mira Kirshenbaum. "You need to say, 'I'm sorry, there's something I should have told you a long time ago, but I was ashamed to tell you. I hope you'll forgive me.'"
Enlist a third party. A major reveal works best with a referee. Recruit a friend you both trust — or in the case of the biggest bombshells, such as an affair, a marriage counselor.
*Names have been changed.
advertisement
In a perfect relationship, you wouldn't keep any secrets from your sweetie. And you'd never have to worry if he were keeping anything from you, because his life, too, would be an open book.
But we live in the real world, where even the healthiest couples sometimes hide things from each other. To most of us, the secret to end all secrets (and many marriages) is an affair — and no one will quibble with the devastating consequences of infidelity. Yet even "small" deceptions can rock a relationship, and it can be hard to draw the line between what's harmless and what's not.
After all, secret keeping is often about protection: A secret can be an attempt to shield yourself, by hiding something you don't want your partner to see (like old pictures of you before you had your deviated septum fixed), or it can be about shielding him from an unnecessary worry or fear (like how much you really dig your vibrator). And that's not all bad: A little mystery can be sexy. But how to tell what can stay safely tucked away and what calls for a confession? We asked experts to outline the rules for secret keeping (and sharing).
Secrets You Must Spill
If you want a relationship grounded in mutual trust (and who doesn't?), certain issues require full disclosure. "If something has a chance of impacting your partner's future or his life with you, then he has a right to know about it," says Mira Kirshenbaum, a relationship expert and author of Is He Mr. Right? This includes anything from the past that has reverberations in the present (lingering debts, a chronic medical condition, past sexual or emotional abuse), and anything in the present that could affect the future (a health scare, a potential downsizing at work).
As many couples find out too late, when you keep a secret that profoundly affects your family, you face a double whammy when the secret eventually — or inevitably — implodes: After the first shock wave from the hidden truth rips through the family, you're hit with the secondary tremors that come from the resulting feelings of betrayal and distrust. "My husband was running a retail Website, and he assured me it was doing well," recalls Karen,* a 39-year-old mom of two. "I thought I could stay home with my children and not have to worry about making money myself."
A year ago, however, Karen discovered that her husband's business was in the hole for more than $1 million, and he had taken out a line of credit against their house. The truth came out only when he announced that he would have to take an additional job. "I was furious!" Karen says. A year later, her family has begun recovering from the financial blow — they've settled in a new town, and her husband found a good job — but Karen is still dealing with her sense of hurt, anger, and betrayal. "He says he didn't tell me about it because he thought he could turn his business around, and he was just so embarrassed that he couldn't support our family. But I couldn't believe he left me in the dark for all those years," she says now.
When confronted with such a big, sudden revelation, it's natural to think, Why didn't you tell me? I'm the one person on earth who is supposed to understand! But the reasons men, in particular, keep secrets like these are multilayered, say the experts. They may, like Karen's husband, want to keep up an appearance of being strong and in control — out of fear that you'll stop loving them if you see them in a different, vulnerable light. They may be loath to deal with the turbulence they know their secret will unleash. And yes, some men may just hope that silence will help them avoid a fight. "Men are wary of women's emotional reactivity and usually shy away from conflicts," says REDBOOK Love Network expert Scott Haltzman, M.D., author of
The Secrets of Happily Married Men.
"They'll do anything to avoid making a woman furious, though they usually end up making things worse."
Dawn's story is a prime example of a husband's face-saving secret spinning out of control: "A couple of years ago, my husband, Paul, asked me if his friend could borrow our car," says Dawn, a 45-year-old mother of three. "I checked our insurance policy, found that we wouldn't be covered for another driver, and told him no." Paul lent the car anyway, and his friend hit a pedestrian. At first, Paul tried to keep the accident under wraps, dealing with the police report and insurance forms himself. But when the pedestrian decided to sue, Paul had no choice but to go to his wife — a lawyer — for help. "I felt like he had pulled the rug out from under me," says Dawn. She and Paul have been seeing a counselor to deal with the emotional fallout of his deception.
Even when your secret is something that seems minor to you, you must be open with your partner if it's related to a topic he's expressed curiosity or a strong opinion about. "As soon as you get serious with someone, sit down and ask him, 'Is there anything you want to know about me that I haven't told you yet?'" advises REDBOOK Love Network expert Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., author of Getting the Love You Want.
It's a clear-the-air strategy even long-term couples can use. And as counterintuitive as this may sound, the more likely your partner is to freak out about your secret, the more important it is that you confess, Hendrix adds, because if the truth about a sensitive subject comes out later, the rupture could be even more serious. Not only does your partner need all of this information to be able to make informed decisions about your life together, he also needs to know that you trust him enough to share it. "If you don't tell your partner about something, then you're really saying he's not wise enough, generous enough, or loving enough to handle it," says Kirshenbaum.
"And that can be deeply wounding."
Ilana found herself at a make-or-break moment several months into her relationship with her husband, Kevin. "When we started dating, Kevin made it very clear that he was antiabortion," says Ilana, 29, a mom of two. "Even though I'm pro-choice, I grew up in a very conservative family, and I respected his views. But I was worried about telling him that I had terminated a pregnancy in college. I wasn't going to lie about it, but I certainly wasn't going to offer up the information right away." When it became clear that their relationship was heading toward marriage, though, Kevin asked Ilana point-blank if she'd ever had an abortion. "I told him the truth, and he wasn't thrilled, but he accepted it as part of who I am, and we've never talked about it again," she says. "But it's a good thing I told him then, because a few years later, when I was in the hospital about to give birth to our daughter, every nurse and doctor who walked in to examine me or fill out a form asked how many previous pregnancies I'd had. It would have been horrible if he'd found out my secret while I was in the throes of labor."
Secrets to Consider Spilling
If you're honest with yourself, then it's not too hard to figure out which secrets fall into the "Red Light! Stop and Spill Everything" category. But what about the ones — especially those transgressions from your distant past — that belong in the murkier "Slow Down and Think Before You Spill" zone? On the one hand, if some embarrassing episode from your history is long past and has no impact on your life today, you can consider keeping your lips sealed. "My husband works in law enforcement, and he's totally on the straight and narrow, which is something I love about him," says Kimberly, 38. "I've never told him that I smoked pot a few times in college because it's something I would never do again, I didn't even enjoy the drug, and he's never asked me about it. Plus, the people who I partied with are so far removed from my life now that they probably don't even remember me. So why open a potential can of worms?"
And that brings up another important factor when weighing whether or not to tell. Murphy's Law of love says that the less you want a secret to be revealed, the more likely it is to suddenly spring up in your relationship like a jack-in-the-box, shouting, "Gotcha!" So consider this: Are there any pictures floating around on the Internet that might give you away? Any friends who have a habit of telling your somewhat sordid old stories after a couple of mojitos? How about an ex-lover who could potentially reappear? If there's any way your partner might accidentally learn your secret, it's better that you do the telling first. "Before we got married, my fiancé and I decided to tell each other about all our past lovers," says Allison, 29. "To my surprise, he admitted that he'd had sex a few times with a man before he realized that he was definitely not into guys. I thought, Wow, he's willing to be totally honest with me about everything, even on a topic most guys would completely deny."
Coming clean about your sexual past is a worthy goal — but Kirshenbaum warns that you must tread carefully. "You don't need to give the exact number of previous lovers or endless details about what you did with them," she says. "There's absolutely no point in filling your partner's head with mental images that can't be deleted." Allison admits that on "insecure days," the thought of her husband with another man sneaks its way back into her mind: "We've been married for three years now, but there have been days when I've asked him, ‘Have you ever thought of being with a guy again?' I once even asked if he would consider hooking up with his boring, unattractive, totally straight best friend! He gets upset that I would ever think he would cheat on me with anyone." As Allison learned, even secrets that bring you closer — and have nothing to do with the life that you're building together today — can cause uncomfortable aftershocks.
Shhh! Secrets That Won't Kill Him
Sure, as a rule, honesty is the best policy — we've been hearing it since grade school and it's still true. But anyone who's been in a long-term relationship knows that there is definitely some wiggle room when it comes to keeping a few personal tidbits to yourself, provided they are harmless and don't involve any outright lies. Maybe you earned a bonus or a little extra cash on eBay and spent it all on a new leather jacket without telling him; or he listens to Howard Stern on the radio on his way to work and doesn't tell you. "Even when we're married, we still have private selves," says Kirshenbaum. "It's healthy to have a sense that this is my personal business and no one else's." In fact, keeping an innocent little part of yourself off-limits can add some spark to your relationship — if he knew every last detail about your life, then what fun revelations could there possibly be in the future?
Some couples find that hanging a veil of secrecy over certain aspects of their lives helps make their marriages run much more smoothly. "For the first decade of our marriage, my husband and I fought over every purchase I made, from a bag of cleaning supplies to a new coat," says Laurel, 36. "Finally, I had this breakthrough — if he doesn't see a bill, he won't think about it! So now I use cash when I shop. If I want to buy a pair of shoes, and I can afford them, he doesn't have to know how much they cost. Believe me, everyone in the house is a lot happier now."
This kind of "don't ask, don't tell" domestic policy can help stabilize a relationship, says Hendrix, but consider this: "Some couples have these types of collusions, where they don't check with each other on their spending, and their marriage lasts 50 years," he observes. "But you're keeping that stability at the cost of a completely open relationship." So make sure you and your guy are on the same page — if you're both willing to trade complete candor for a bit of ignorance-is-bliss harmony, then there's no harm, and plenty of potential gain. But, Haltzman points out, this deal only works when it goes both ways — don't harass him about the cost of his new camera lens if you don't want him to ask you the price of that new handbag — and when it doesn't involve an area you are working on together, like a budget. "If your partner has expressed a desire to work cooperatively on something and you're still keeping information from him, then you've crossed that line," Haltzman says.
One clue that your secret is a healthy one: The evidence is usually hidden in plain sight. If your partner really wanted to know how much those shoes cost, he could notice the fancy label on the insole; if you really wanted to know what offensive radio show he was listening to, you could click on his preprogrammed radio stations next time you're in the car. Veronica, 38, has a secret that's literally written all over her face: "My husband has no idea I get Botox a couple of times a year," she says. "He's against anything cosmetic — in fact, he says I'm most beautiful right after a sweaty tennis match. But it's my body and my money." The irony? "He's never noticed the Botox, which saves us from fighting about it, but it also makes me question how effective this expensive treatment really is!"
Veronica sees her secret as liberating — it gives her a feeling of independence and mastery over her own body and life — but some deceptions are just plain burdensome, often creating more anxiety and distress than coming clean ever would. "I agonized about my secret for the first several months I was dating my now husband," says Cathy, 41. "I'm 10 years older than he is, and I was sure he would dump me if he found out." Her day of reckoning came when they joined Paul's mother for dinner at a Chinese restaurant. "She looked on the place mat and said, 'I was born in the year of the monkey. Which year are you?'" Cathy steeled herself and told the truth, revealing her age. "I was sure my boyfriend would break up with me, but he just laughed and said he didn't think I was too old for him. He was worried that I would think he was too young for me!" Proof that the truth has a way of coming out — and when you've got a partner you trust, it doesn't have to be so awful after all.
How to Spill a Secret
Here's the smart and sensitive way to tell your guy what you've been hiding:
Make an appointment. Don't just spring it on him — say, "I have something important to discuss with you. Can we find an hour tonight to talk?"
Pick the right spot. Avoid spilling in a crowded public place, like a restaurant, or your bedroom, which should be reserved for positive experiences. Find a safe, neutral spot, like the den or a park.
Be prepared to apologize. "The big mistake is trying to make it seem as if the revelation is no big deal," says marriage counselor Mira Kirshenbaum. "You need to say, 'I'm sorry, there's something I should have told you a long time ago, but I was ashamed to tell you. I hope you'll forgive me.'"
Enlist a third party. A major reveal works best with a referee. Recruit a friend you both trust — or in the case of the biggest bombshells, such as an affair, a marriage counselor.
*Names have been changed.
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
My First Day at College
When I first rolled into Trinity Western University in my parent’s minivan on O-Day oh-two, it was only my second time ever visiting the campus. The previous January, I had taken a quick tour in the middle of a snowstorm with a friendly Egyptian named Sam, but all I remembered from that were the hours for the Mail Centre (9 am to 5 pm, Monday – Friday, if you were wondering) . I knew I was showing up for something called “Orientation Week”, but the name didn’t offer many details on what my First Day at College was going to be like.
My first day at college! Well, “university”, I guess, but that sounds too elegant to get excited about. Hometown kids returning from the big city used to spout stories of their time away at college – but from those guys, there are really only two First Days at College stories: the one about beer, and the one about feeling horribly awkward. I’d never heard the one about being surrounded and engulfed by a raging sea of forcefully helpful people in Hawaiian shirts, so I guess that’s why I was a little surprised when Cathy Chapplow led her squadron of SOS leaders to my van, battered the doors down and started carting my belongings away, like an ant colony with guerilla tactics.
Stepping out of the van was like stepping into the Moulin Rouge, except instead of can-can girls and Ewan McGregor, there were a bunch of people in flowery t-shirts telling me how to get to “RNT”. I believe these people were trained to speak only in acronyms. All I really wanted to know was “Where’s my room?” and “Where can I store my boxes?”, but it was like trying to talk to C3PO. They’d all answer my questions with indecipherable strings of nonsense syllables, saying things like: “Go to RSC and ask your RA or SOS leader to get the RD to FUBAR the BQQ with the FHQWHGADS.”
For every new Confused New Person (“CNP”), there were at least three Helpful Happy People (or “HHP”’s, as I believe they prefer to be called), making it impossible to get to know anybody without accidentally being assisted with something. All us freshmen and freshladies got to wear these fancy laminated name-cards ( “FLNC”s) around our neck (“NECK”), which allowed us to introduce ourselves without even speaking out loud. This didn’t stop people from asking questions, though. By evening, I was hoarse from non-stop question-answering, but the only things I’d said all day were my name, major and hometown, repeated over and over again, like I was some strange mix between Jacob Two-Two and that guy from the Aviator.
It took a few weeks, but after a while, we all started to settle in. By “settle in”, I mean we started feeling confident and comfortable enough to complain about things freely. We all tried our hardest to make other people see and comprehend who we were and why we mattered, struttin’ around like chickens with our heads glued on, finding dorms and d-groups and teams and parties and girl/boyfriends and other means of proving we were all grown up. The funny thing is – and this is the part that you don’t find out till later – with motives like that, it all only proves the opposite.
Explanation: one day, second year, I visited the Career Centre (I think the actual acronym is CFLCACD) for some help with my resume. Of course, my rez. included a little info on what high school I went to. The lady helping me took one look at it, glanced up at me and said, “Honey? I hate to tell you this, but…high school doesn’t matter anymore.” And with that, she took her black Sharpie, slashed it across the page, and thus obliterated my entire secondary school experience.
So it’s like that. High-school’s done, and so are all the games you needed to play. It’s not that this place is forcing you to change or grow up, it just means you can start again. University’s a new life, and maybe you can take the chance to figure out the person you actually are, rather than just being what people told you to be. Make less time for proving yourself and more time for listening and learning and changing. Or as we like to say around here, “MLFPYAMTFLALAC.”
My first day at college! Well, “university”, I guess, but that sounds too elegant to get excited about. Hometown kids returning from the big city used to spout stories of their time away at college – but from those guys, there are really only two First Days at College stories: the one about beer, and the one about feeling horribly awkward. I’d never heard the one about being surrounded and engulfed by a raging sea of forcefully helpful people in Hawaiian shirts, so I guess that’s why I was a little surprised when Cathy Chapplow led her squadron of SOS leaders to my van, battered the doors down and started carting my belongings away, like an ant colony with guerilla tactics.
Stepping out of the van was like stepping into the Moulin Rouge, except instead of can-can girls and Ewan McGregor, there were a bunch of people in flowery t-shirts telling me how to get to “RNT”. I believe these people were trained to speak only in acronyms. All I really wanted to know was “Where’s my room?” and “Where can I store my boxes?”, but it was like trying to talk to C3PO. They’d all answer my questions with indecipherable strings of nonsense syllables, saying things like: “Go to RSC and ask your RA or SOS leader to get the RD to FUBAR the BQQ with the FHQWHGADS.”
For every new Confused New Person (“CNP”), there were at least three Helpful Happy People (or “HHP”’s, as I believe they prefer to be called), making it impossible to get to know anybody without accidentally being assisted with something. All us freshmen and freshladies got to wear these fancy laminated name-cards ( “FLNC”s) around our neck (“NECK”), which allowed us to introduce ourselves without even speaking out loud. This didn’t stop people from asking questions, though. By evening, I was hoarse from non-stop question-answering, but the only things I’d said all day were my name, major and hometown, repeated over and over again, like I was some strange mix between Jacob Two-Two and that guy from the Aviator.
It took a few weeks, but after a while, we all started to settle in. By “settle in”, I mean we started feeling confident and comfortable enough to complain about things freely. We all tried our hardest to make other people see and comprehend who we were and why we mattered, struttin’ around like chickens with our heads glued on, finding dorms and d-groups and teams and parties and girl/boyfriends and other means of proving we were all grown up. The funny thing is – and this is the part that you don’t find out till later – with motives like that, it all only proves the opposite.
Explanation: one day, second year, I visited the Career Centre (I think the actual acronym is CFLCACD) for some help with my resume. Of course, my rez. included a little info on what high school I went to. The lady helping me took one look at it, glanced up at me and said, “Honey? I hate to tell you this, but…high school doesn’t matter anymore.” And with that, she took her black Sharpie, slashed it across the page, and thus obliterated my entire secondary school experience.
So it’s like that. High-school’s done, and so are all the games you needed to play. It’s not that this place is forcing you to change or grow up, it just means you can start again. University’s a new life, and maybe you can take the chance to figure out the person you actually are, rather than just being what people told you to be. Make less time for proving yourself and more time for listening and learning and changing. Or as we like to say around here, “MLFPYAMTFLALAC.”
How She Broke My Heart
When I was 14 years old, in the mournful winter days of a pre-millenium February, my very first girlfriend ever broke up with me after 8 months of earnest yet naïve dating. Of all possible days to break up with me, she chose Valentine’s Day. And she did it over e-mail. The e-mail consisted only of the lyrics to the song “Believe” by Cher, followed by the words “I’m…I’m sorry.” For a brief simulation of how this must have felt, please briefly visit this unknown person’s GeoCities page, and then come back right away.
Upon receiving the email, I hadn’t actually heard the song yet. It was brand new on the radio, so all I had were the words, detached from their peppy and empowering musical context. For those of you unfamiliar with the song, let’s experience it together.
In the first verse, we find out that Cher is: “So sad that you’re leaving / Takes time to believe it / But after all is said and done / You’re going to be the lonely one, ohh oh.” We go on to experience verse 2, in which she states: “I need love to feel strong / ‘Cause I’ve had time to think it through / And maybe I’m too good for you, ohh oh”.
These verses are punctuated by the chorus, during which Cher asks if you believe in life after love, because she feels something inside her say, she really doesn’t think you’re strong enough now. The song culminates in a brutal (yet catchy) victory cry, where Cher and my ex-girlfriend join together in a triumphant duet, proudly declaring: “I don’t need you anymore / Oh I don’t need you anymore / I don’t need you anymore / No I don’t need you anymore!”.
In the days following, I tried very, very hard to imagine what might have inspired her to do this to me, but I’m still a little stumped. The best I can up with is she was probably doing aerobics in her house, jazzercising around her room in sync to Cher’s peppy little pop tune and thinking to herself, “I feel empowered! I’ll break up with Kevan! Yeah! And I’ll do it by sending him the lyrics from this vicious and cold-hearted break-up song!”
I bet that synthetic whoosing sound in the intro and modulated auto-tune thing really made it seem like a good idea at the time, huh? Well, guess what: it wasn’t. Especially when the only thing accompanying the lyrics were the shattering sounds emanating from within my chest. Jeez, it’s been like, over 8 years since it happened and I still get all misty-eyed when I hear Cher’s digitally manipulated voice telling me she doesn’t need me anymore.
I guess I just wanted to advise you all to be careful. Whenever you feel that maybe a quote from a song might express your emotions better than you can, you are wrong. There are many songs out there which seem like nice songs when you first listen to them, but were actually composed by Satan himself in his special studio on the bottom level of hell. These songs include Justin Timberlake’s “Cry Me A River,” that song “Too Little Too Late” by Jo-Jo (because I know one of you was thinking of using it), and pretty much anything sung by Bright Eyes or Chris Carrabba. As Bambi’s mother said, if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t expect the lyrics from some pop song to say it any more tactfully. And good grief, don’t say it over e-mail.
Upon receiving the email, I hadn’t actually heard the song yet. It was brand new on the radio, so all I had were the words, detached from their peppy and empowering musical context. For those of you unfamiliar with the song, let’s experience it together.
In the first verse, we find out that Cher is: “So sad that you’re leaving / Takes time to believe it / But after all is said and done / You’re going to be the lonely one, ohh oh.” We go on to experience verse 2, in which she states: “I need love to feel strong / ‘Cause I’ve had time to think it through / And maybe I’m too good for you, ohh oh”.
These verses are punctuated by the chorus, during which Cher asks if you believe in life after love, because she feels something inside her say, she really doesn’t think you’re strong enough now. The song culminates in a brutal (yet catchy) victory cry, where Cher and my ex-girlfriend join together in a triumphant duet, proudly declaring: “I don’t need you anymore / Oh I don’t need you anymore / I don’t need you anymore / No I don’t need you anymore!”.
In the days following, I tried very, very hard to imagine what might have inspired her to do this to me, but I’m still a little stumped. The best I can up with is she was probably doing aerobics in her house, jazzercising around her room in sync to Cher’s peppy little pop tune and thinking to herself, “I feel empowered! I’ll break up with Kevan! Yeah! And I’ll do it by sending him the lyrics from this vicious and cold-hearted break-up song!”
I bet that synthetic whoosing sound in the intro and modulated auto-tune thing really made it seem like a good idea at the time, huh? Well, guess what: it wasn’t. Especially when the only thing accompanying the lyrics were the shattering sounds emanating from within my chest. Jeez, it’s been like, over 8 years since it happened and I still get all misty-eyed when I hear Cher’s digitally manipulated voice telling me she doesn’t need me anymore.
I guess I just wanted to advise you all to be careful. Whenever you feel that maybe a quote from a song might express your emotions better than you can, you are wrong. There are many songs out there which seem like nice songs when you first listen to them, but were actually composed by Satan himself in his special studio on the bottom level of hell. These songs include Justin Timberlake’s “Cry Me A River,” that song “Too Little Too Late” by Jo-Jo (because I know one of you was thinking of using it), and pretty much anything sung by Bright Eyes or Chris Carrabba. As Bambi’s mother said, if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t expect the lyrics from some pop song to say it any more tactfully. And good grief, don’t say it over e-mail.
Thursday, May 3, 2007
Don't go there: 10 places not to find dates
Volumes have been written on the best places to pick up a member of the opposite gender, but nobody’s written word one on where not to meet a mate. Most regular daters are aware you can comfortably approach somebody at a friend’s party, or your favorite coffee shop, or the local grocery store, but what sort of places should you by no means think about romancing?
Here’re ten of ’em:
A skanky, nasty, gross bar
It’s all fine and good to ask a hottie for their phone number at a watering hole that has a nice jukebox, some top-shelf liquor, and relatively clean floors. But if the tavern looks and smells like a toxic waste dump, or if it has blood on the walls, or if the bartender is covered with festering sores, chances are the person you meet there has issues. Then again, if you’re hanging out there, chances are you have issues.
In the “Military History” section of a bookstore
Do you want to always associate your first meeting with the Crimean War? Not so much.
Anywhere within close proximity of a public restroom
And that means anywhere. Not inside of. Not outside of. Not in front of. Not in back of. This especially holds true if you run into a girl in the boy’s room, or vice versa.
In the waiting room of your shrink’s office
If you ignore this advice, and go out with the goth-looking chick or the eyeshadow-wearing guy who has the timeslot right after yours, and if after two months, it goes south, that means your doctor will be hearing about the failed “relationship” from both sides. Yuck.
Via an online website named something like “I’mGoingToStalkYou.com”
Don’t worry, this site doesn’t exist, but you get the point.
A funeral
Even if she looks amazing in her form-fitting black dress, or even if he is sexy as can be in his double-breasted black suit, don’t do it, if only because the specter of death will always hover over you.
Wrigley Field
The Chicago Cubs haven’t been in a World Series in approximately 3,000 years. A meeting at their venerable ballpark will be fraught with loser-ness.
A police station
Say your cousin got busted for getting into a fight at the aforementioned skanky, nasty, gross bar. Say he calls you to bail him out. Say the girl sharing his holding cell is drop-dead gorgeous, and you want to get her number. Don’t. There’s a high probability that this woman is a criminal, and criminals don’t necessarily make the best girlfriends.
Behind a dumpster in an alley
A dark, dirty, smelly place isn’t the best venue to lay the groundwork for a positive, healthy love affair. Besides, what’re they doing there? What’re you doing there? Wait, don’t answer that…
Work
As the saying goes, “Don’t (you know what) where you (you know what).” Sure, some wonderful relationships have been forged at the office, but the majority of workplace romances fizzle, collapsing under the weight of your co-worker’s gossiping, and too much exposure to one another.
Here’re ten of ’em:
A skanky, nasty, gross bar
It’s all fine and good to ask a hottie for their phone number at a watering hole that has a nice jukebox, some top-shelf liquor, and relatively clean floors. But if the tavern looks and smells like a toxic waste dump, or if it has blood on the walls, or if the bartender is covered with festering sores, chances are the person you meet there has issues. Then again, if you’re hanging out there, chances are you have issues.
In the “Military History” section of a bookstore
Do you want to always associate your first meeting with the Crimean War? Not so much.
Anywhere within close proximity of a public restroom
And that means anywhere. Not inside of. Not outside of. Not in front of. Not in back of. This especially holds true if you run into a girl in the boy’s room, or vice versa.
In the waiting room of your shrink’s office
If you ignore this advice, and go out with the goth-looking chick or the eyeshadow-wearing guy who has the timeslot right after yours, and if after two months, it goes south, that means your doctor will be hearing about the failed “relationship” from both sides. Yuck.
Via an online website named something like “I’mGoingToStalkYou.com”
Don’t worry, this site doesn’t exist, but you get the point.
A funeral
Even if she looks amazing in her form-fitting black dress, or even if he is sexy as can be in his double-breasted black suit, don’t do it, if only because the specter of death will always hover over you.
Wrigley Field
The Chicago Cubs haven’t been in a World Series in approximately 3,000 years. A meeting at their venerable ballpark will be fraught with loser-ness.
A police station
Say your cousin got busted for getting into a fight at the aforementioned skanky, nasty, gross bar. Say he calls you to bail him out. Say the girl sharing his holding cell is drop-dead gorgeous, and you want to get her number. Don’t. There’s a high probability that this woman is a criminal, and criminals don’t necessarily make the best girlfriends.
Behind a dumpster in an alley
A dark, dirty, smelly place isn’t the best venue to lay the groundwork for a positive, healthy love affair. Besides, what’re they doing there? What’re you doing there? Wait, don’t answer that…
Work
As the saying goes, “Don’t (you know what) where you (you know what).” Sure, some wonderful relationships have been forged at the office, but the majority of workplace romances fizzle, collapsing under the weight of your co-worker’s gossiping, and too much exposure to one another.
5 FIRST DATE NO-NOs
It's happened to all of us at one time or another. We get excited about that first date, but it ends up being a total disaster.
A week or so later (maybe longer), we get to a stage where we can have a good laugh about it. So what went wrong?
Aside from some of the more usual mishaps such as gross exaggeration on the part of the other person (they don't work for MI5 after all), it's possible that too much unappealing information was given away. We'll make sure that you're prepared. Study this list of five things never to reveal before the second date.
1. The Ex-Files
There's nothing worse than a date who talks incessantly about a past love. "He treated me so badly but I really loved him" or "She was so good to me and I stupidly let her go."
Whatever.
This one is a no-brainer: the first date is not the time to drone on about all of your past ill-fated love affairs.
2. Silence Is Golden
If you're looking for a new love, chances are you may choose to hedge your bets and date more than one person at the same time before making your final choice. Whatever you do, don't let the cat out of the bag. So okay, technically you're not in a relationship if you're on a first date but it's still akin to saying, "this is a competition and you’re way behind." Nobody can compete with strangers - nor should they have to.
3. "Have my baby"
A female taxi driver picks up a fare and immediately goes all 'Fatal Attraction' on him. He tells her not to rush things because they've only just met and he's not ready - sound familiar? It's a funny advert on TV at the moment ramming home the point about a brand of lager's lengthy brewing process. However, it applies here too. There's no point stressing a desire for an immediate commitment because your date will feel your desperation and run a mile.
4. Family Ties
Hate your parents or your siblings or cousins? Keep it to yourself. We all have conflicts with our families, and most of us understand that family issues inevitably rear their ugly heads in intimate relationships as well. However, don't vent about your nearest and not-so-dearest in front of a date. First impressions count and the entire rant will probably be interpreted by the person with you as a sign of things to come.
5. I Hate My Life
Long, drawn-out monologues dwelling on a stagnant career (for example) certainly won't inspire confidence in your ability to respond effectively to negative life situations. Don't give the person you're spending the evening with ammunition to shoot you down.
It's great to talk about political opinions and other serious issues when you're getting to know someone new; how else will you figure out what you have in common? You really don’t have to keep it too light on the first date but keep in mind that if you're doing most of the talking — and if what you're talking about is mostly negative, you're probably not going to have a second date.
A week or so later (maybe longer), we get to a stage where we can have a good laugh about it. So what went wrong?
Aside from some of the more usual mishaps such as gross exaggeration on the part of the other person (they don't work for MI5 after all), it's possible that too much unappealing information was given away. We'll make sure that you're prepared. Study this list of five things never to reveal before the second date.
1. The Ex-Files
There's nothing worse than a date who talks incessantly about a past love. "He treated me so badly but I really loved him" or "She was so good to me and I stupidly let her go."
Whatever.
This one is a no-brainer: the first date is not the time to drone on about all of your past ill-fated love affairs.
2. Silence Is Golden
If you're looking for a new love, chances are you may choose to hedge your bets and date more than one person at the same time before making your final choice. Whatever you do, don't let the cat out of the bag. So okay, technically you're not in a relationship if you're on a first date but it's still akin to saying, "this is a competition and you’re way behind." Nobody can compete with strangers - nor should they have to.
3. "Have my baby"
A female taxi driver picks up a fare and immediately goes all 'Fatal Attraction' on him. He tells her not to rush things because they've only just met and he's not ready - sound familiar? It's a funny advert on TV at the moment ramming home the point about a brand of lager's lengthy brewing process. However, it applies here too. There's no point stressing a desire for an immediate commitment because your date will feel your desperation and run a mile.
4. Family Ties
Hate your parents or your siblings or cousins? Keep it to yourself. We all have conflicts with our families, and most of us understand that family issues inevitably rear their ugly heads in intimate relationships as well. However, don't vent about your nearest and not-so-dearest in front of a date. First impressions count and the entire rant will probably be interpreted by the person with you as a sign of things to come.
5. I Hate My Life
Long, drawn-out monologues dwelling on a stagnant career (for example) certainly won't inspire confidence in your ability to respond effectively to negative life situations. Don't give the person you're spending the evening with ammunition to shoot you down.
It's great to talk about political opinions and other serious issues when you're getting to know someone new; how else will you figure out what you have in common? You really don’t have to keep it too light on the first date but keep in mind that if you're doing most of the talking — and if what you're talking about is mostly negative, you're probably not going to have a second date.
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