Women spill the secret words of wisdom that keep their wedded bliss, well, blissful.
No doubt there are days when you feel as though you deserve the Best Wife in the World award: You make sure dates with your mate stay hot, you settle arguments with amazing grace and you don't always go into whining mode when you find his dirty socks next to, rather than in, the hamper. How did you get so smart? You were given some stellar marriage advice from friends and family. Here, the nuggets of nuptial wisdom you've stayed faithful to over the years.
Polite Fight
"On my wedding-invitation RSVP cards, I left space for guests to write their favorite wedding wisdom. The tidbit that rings truest after almost nine months of marriage is: 'Attack the issue, not each other.' How it works: If my husband and I disagree about something, we stay focused on the issue and skip the personal put-downs."
— Melissa Gitter Schilowitz, 31, Metuchen, NJ
Fit to a Tee
"My grandmother insisted that I learn how to play golf. 'If your husband loves to play, you can go along and spend hours together,' she said. So I took lessons, and now my husband and I hit the links once a month. We both love the game and are thrilled to share a hobby, even when we spend half an hour looking for my out-of-bounds balls!"
— Aimee Borders, 27, Houston, TX
Tabletop Trick
"My aunt told me that if I'm running late when it's my turn to make dinner, just set the table. That way my husband thinks he'll be eating any minute, so he doesn't start complaining, which buys me some time. It's a silly trick that sounds straight out of the 1950s, but I have to admit that I've tried it a few times in the three years I've been married — and it works!"
— Dawn Clayton, 34, Holdrege, NE
Perfect 10
"My husband's great-aunt wrote a list of the 10 most important things in a marriage, and she gave it to me at my bridal shower. It read:
10.Patience
9. Kindness
8. Patience
7. Communication
6. Patience
5. Caring
4. Patience
3. Patience
2. Love
1.Patience
"First of all, this couldn't be more true. Second, an 80-year-old woman made up a top-10 list; how funny is that?"
— Beth Power, 26, Arlington, VA
Ratio for Romance
"After my husband and I got together, a close friend of mine told me, 'If the sex is good, it's only 10 percent of the marriage. But if the sex is not so good, it's 90 percent. So do your darndest to make sure it stays really, really good!'"
— Emily Cho-Basco, 28, Los Angeles
Boob-Tube Brilliance
"Because my husband is such a remote-control freak, my mom suggested that we have 'my turn' TV nights. That means three nights a week I get to hold the remote and watch whatever I want, and on the other nights it's his turn to hold the remote and watch whatever he wants. Now when he starts flipping through the channels, it doesn't get on my nerves like it used to."
— Angela Clayton, 27, Odenton, MD
Pop the Question
"My sister-in-law passed this helpful hint on to me, and it has served me well for our five years of wedded bliss: 'Marriage is not mind reading, so ask your spouse what he/she wants and believe what he/she says.'"
— Clare Graca, 27, Dallas
Nix the Nit-Picking
"Before I said 'I do,' my mom (who's been married to my dad for 55 years) told me to take out a piece of paper and write down the top three things that bugged me about my husband-to-be. Then she told me to forget the things on that list and forgive him for not being flawless. Once you make a commitment this big, she explained, you can't let petty things get in the way. In our eight years of marriage, my husband and I have had two kids, tackled cross-country moves and started two businesses -- and so far, so great."
— Rebecca Hart Blaudow, 31, Jacksonville, FL
Space Smarts
"Always have separate closets, my best friend told me. It may seem silly, but I listened to her and made sure to find a one-bedroom apartment with two closets (mine being the larger, of course). Now my husband and I each have our own private space, and we respect that: If he wants to keep his shoes in one huge heap or leave his dirty clothes in a pile on the floor, the mess doesn't bother me a bit!"
— Patricia Bontekoe, 26, Lake Hiawatha, NJ
Agree to Disagree
"Before we got married, my minister told my husband and me, 'You are two imperfect people making an imperfect union, and that's wonderful.' This advice made me ditch my belief that in a happy marriage, the couple always agrees. My husband and I have learned to appreciate our differences (yes, even differences of opinion!); in fact, we encourage them because we realize now that those differences are what makes each of us unique and special."
— Beth Swanson, 28, Chicago
Comic Relief
"Before I headed down the aisle, my stepfather told me to always laugh and never take myself too seriously. After four years of marriage, I know that this trick works. My husband and I often play practical jokes on each other and always try to crack each other up, even in the middle of an argument. Hey, if one person laughs, a fight tends to fizzle, doesn't it?"
— Lisa Giassa, 31, Bogota, NJ
You've probably heard a few of these pieces of marital pop wisdom before. If so, these marriage experts say to promptly forget 'em.
Love means never having to say you're sorry.
"Oh, please! In marriage, love sometimes means having to say you're sorry even if you don't know what you did or you didn't mean to do it."
— Trisha Taylor, psychotherapist, Houston, TX
Always be totally honest.
"What are you going to do, tell him that he's just too short and you can't stand his mother? Sometimes you need to temper the truth."
— Tara Fields, Ph.D., marriage, family and child therapist, Marin County, CA
Children come first.
"This is bad advice if it means your husband always comes second. Of course you should love and care for your kids, but you should never lose sight of your couple-ness. The best thing a child can have is happy, fulfilled parents who are deeply in love."
— Mary Pender Greene, chief of social work services, Jewish Board of Family and Children's Services, New York
Always keep the peace.
"No, no, no. If you don't face a hot issue head-on, you'll stockpile negative feelings. And before you know it, 20 years go by and you're still fighting over the same thing because you never resolved it in the first place."
— Rebecca S. Ward, M.S.W., psychotherapist, Little Rock, AR
Never go to bed angry.
"Forget it. Often a couple needs time to calm down before they can rationally wrap up an argument. And that may take a few days, so in the meantime, get some sleep!"
— Gilda Carle, Ph.D., psychotherapist, New York
Showing posts with label affairs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label affairs. Show all posts
Thursday, July 5, 2007
The Secrets Couples Keep
Have you ever hidden something from him about your past (or present)? Or has he ever stunned you with a secret of his own? Here, couples reveal their biggest bombshells. Plus, learn which secrets you must spill — and which ones to keep to yourself.By Marisa Cohen
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In a perfect relationship, you wouldn't keep any secrets from your sweetie. And you'd never have to worry if he were keeping anything from you, because his life, too, would be an open book.
But we live in the real world, where even the healthiest couples sometimes hide things from each other. To most of us, the secret to end all secrets (and many marriages) is an affair — and no one will quibble with the devastating consequences of infidelity. Yet even "small" deceptions can rock a relationship, and it can be hard to draw the line between what's harmless and what's not.
After all, secret keeping is often about protection: A secret can be an attempt to shield yourself, by hiding something you don't want your partner to see (like old pictures of you before you had your deviated septum fixed), or it can be about shielding him from an unnecessary worry or fear (like how much you really dig your vibrator). And that's not all bad: A little mystery can be sexy. But how to tell what can stay safely tucked away and what calls for a confession? We asked experts to outline the rules for secret keeping (and sharing).
Secrets You Must Spill
If you want a relationship grounded in mutual trust (and who doesn't?), certain issues require full disclosure. "If something has a chance of impacting your partner's future or his life with you, then he has a right to know about it," says Mira Kirshenbaum, a relationship expert and author of Is He Mr. Right? This includes anything from the past that has reverberations in the present (lingering debts, a chronic medical condition, past sexual or emotional abuse), and anything in the present that could affect the future (a health scare, a potential downsizing at work).
As many couples find out too late, when you keep a secret that profoundly affects your family, you face a double whammy when the secret eventually — or inevitably — implodes: After the first shock wave from the hidden truth rips through the family, you're hit with the secondary tremors that come from the resulting feelings of betrayal and distrust. "My husband was running a retail Website, and he assured me it was doing well," recalls Karen,* a 39-year-old mom of two. "I thought I could stay home with my children and not have to worry about making money myself."
A year ago, however, Karen discovered that her husband's business was in the hole for more than $1 million, and he had taken out a line of credit against their house. The truth came out only when he announced that he would have to take an additional job. "I was furious!" Karen says. A year later, her family has begun recovering from the financial blow — they've settled in a new town, and her husband found a good job — but Karen is still dealing with her sense of hurt, anger, and betrayal. "He says he didn't tell me about it because he thought he could turn his business around, and he was just so embarrassed that he couldn't support our family. But I couldn't believe he left me in the dark for all those years," she says now.
When confronted with such a big, sudden revelation, it's natural to think, Why didn't you tell me? I'm the one person on earth who is supposed to understand! But the reasons men, in particular, keep secrets like these are multilayered, say the experts. They may, like Karen's husband, want to keep up an appearance of being strong and in control — out of fear that you'll stop loving them if you see them in a different, vulnerable light. They may be loath to deal with the turbulence they know their secret will unleash. And yes, some men may just hope that silence will help them avoid a fight. "Men are wary of women's emotional reactivity and usually shy away from conflicts," says REDBOOK Love Network expert Scott Haltzman, M.D., author of
The Secrets of Happily Married Men.
"They'll do anything to avoid making a woman furious, though they usually end up making things worse."
Dawn's story is a prime example of a husband's face-saving secret spinning out of control: "A couple of years ago, my husband, Paul, asked me if his friend could borrow our car," says Dawn, a 45-year-old mother of three. "I checked our insurance policy, found that we wouldn't be covered for another driver, and told him no." Paul lent the car anyway, and his friend hit a pedestrian. At first, Paul tried to keep the accident under wraps, dealing with the police report and insurance forms himself. But when the pedestrian decided to sue, Paul had no choice but to go to his wife — a lawyer — for help. "I felt like he had pulled the rug out from under me," says Dawn. She and Paul have been seeing a counselor to deal with the emotional fallout of his deception.
Even when your secret is something that seems minor to you, you must be open with your partner if it's related to a topic he's expressed curiosity or a strong opinion about. "As soon as you get serious with someone, sit down and ask him, 'Is there anything you want to know about me that I haven't told you yet?'" advises REDBOOK Love Network expert Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., author of Getting the Love You Want.
It's a clear-the-air strategy even long-term couples can use. And as counterintuitive as this may sound, the more likely your partner is to freak out about your secret, the more important it is that you confess, Hendrix adds, because if the truth about a sensitive subject comes out later, the rupture could be even more serious. Not only does your partner need all of this information to be able to make informed decisions about your life together, he also needs to know that you trust him enough to share it. "If you don't tell your partner about something, then you're really saying he's not wise enough, generous enough, or loving enough to handle it," says Kirshenbaum.
"And that can be deeply wounding."
Ilana found herself at a make-or-break moment several months into her relationship with her husband, Kevin. "When we started dating, Kevin made it very clear that he was antiabortion," says Ilana, 29, a mom of two. "Even though I'm pro-choice, I grew up in a very conservative family, and I respected his views. But I was worried about telling him that I had terminated a pregnancy in college. I wasn't going to lie about it, but I certainly wasn't going to offer up the information right away." When it became clear that their relationship was heading toward marriage, though, Kevin asked Ilana point-blank if she'd ever had an abortion. "I told him the truth, and he wasn't thrilled, but he accepted it as part of who I am, and we've never talked about it again," she says. "But it's a good thing I told him then, because a few years later, when I was in the hospital about to give birth to our daughter, every nurse and doctor who walked in to examine me or fill out a form asked how many previous pregnancies I'd had. It would have been horrible if he'd found out my secret while I was in the throes of labor."
Secrets to Consider Spilling
If you're honest with yourself, then it's not too hard to figure out which secrets fall into the "Red Light! Stop and Spill Everything" category. But what about the ones — especially those transgressions from your distant past — that belong in the murkier "Slow Down and Think Before You Spill" zone? On the one hand, if some embarrassing episode from your history is long past and has no impact on your life today, you can consider keeping your lips sealed. "My husband works in law enforcement, and he's totally on the straight and narrow, which is something I love about him," says Kimberly, 38. "I've never told him that I smoked pot a few times in college because it's something I would never do again, I didn't even enjoy the drug, and he's never asked me about it. Plus, the people who I partied with are so far removed from my life now that they probably don't even remember me. So why open a potential can of worms?"
And that brings up another important factor when weighing whether or not to tell. Murphy's Law of love says that the less you want a secret to be revealed, the more likely it is to suddenly spring up in your relationship like a jack-in-the-box, shouting, "Gotcha!" So consider this: Are there any pictures floating around on the Internet that might give you away? Any friends who have a habit of telling your somewhat sordid old stories after a couple of mojitos? How about an ex-lover who could potentially reappear? If there's any way your partner might accidentally learn your secret, it's better that you do the telling first. "Before we got married, my fiancé and I decided to tell each other about all our past lovers," says Allison, 29. "To my surprise, he admitted that he'd had sex a few times with a man before he realized that he was definitely not into guys. I thought, Wow, he's willing to be totally honest with me about everything, even on a topic most guys would completely deny."
Coming clean about your sexual past is a worthy goal — but Kirshenbaum warns that you must tread carefully. "You don't need to give the exact number of previous lovers or endless details about what you did with them," she says. "There's absolutely no point in filling your partner's head with mental images that can't be deleted." Allison admits that on "insecure days," the thought of her husband with another man sneaks its way back into her mind: "We've been married for three years now, but there have been days when I've asked him, ‘Have you ever thought of being with a guy again?' I once even asked if he would consider hooking up with his boring, unattractive, totally straight best friend! He gets upset that I would ever think he would cheat on me with anyone." As Allison learned, even secrets that bring you closer — and have nothing to do with the life that you're building together today — can cause uncomfortable aftershocks.
Shhh! Secrets That Won't Kill Him
Sure, as a rule, honesty is the best policy — we've been hearing it since grade school and it's still true. But anyone who's been in a long-term relationship knows that there is definitely some wiggle room when it comes to keeping a few personal tidbits to yourself, provided they are harmless and don't involve any outright lies. Maybe you earned a bonus or a little extra cash on eBay and spent it all on a new leather jacket without telling him; or he listens to Howard Stern on the radio on his way to work and doesn't tell you. "Even when we're married, we still have private selves," says Kirshenbaum. "It's healthy to have a sense that this is my personal business and no one else's." In fact, keeping an innocent little part of yourself off-limits can add some spark to your relationship — if he knew every last detail about your life, then what fun revelations could there possibly be in the future?
Some couples find that hanging a veil of secrecy over certain aspects of their lives helps make their marriages run much more smoothly. "For the first decade of our marriage, my husband and I fought over every purchase I made, from a bag of cleaning supplies to a new coat," says Laurel, 36. "Finally, I had this breakthrough — if he doesn't see a bill, he won't think about it! So now I use cash when I shop. If I want to buy a pair of shoes, and I can afford them, he doesn't have to know how much they cost. Believe me, everyone in the house is a lot happier now."
This kind of "don't ask, don't tell" domestic policy can help stabilize a relationship, says Hendrix, but consider this: "Some couples have these types of collusions, where they don't check with each other on their spending, and their marriage lasts 50 years," he observes. "But you're keeping that stability at the cost of a completely open relationship." So make sure you and your guy are on the same page — if you're both willing to trade complete candor for a bit of ignorance-is-bliss harmony, then there's no harm, and plenty of potential gain. But, Haltzman points out, this deal only works when it goes both ways — don't harass him about the cost of his new camera lens if you don't want him to ask you the price of that new handbag — and when it doesn't involve an area you are working on together, like a budget. "If your partner has expressed a desire to work cooperatively on something and you're still keeping information from him, then you've crossed that line," Haltzman says.
One clue that your secret is a healthy one: The evidence is usually hidden in plain sight. If your partner really wanted to know how much those shoes cost, he could notice the fancy label on the insole; if you really wanted to know what offensive radio show he was listening to, you could click on his preprogrammed radio stations next time you're in the car. Veronica, 38, has a secret that's literally written all over her face: "My husband has no idea I get Botox a couple of times a year," she says. "He's against anything cosmetic — in fact, he says I'm most beautiful right after a sweaty tennis match. But it's my body and my money." The irony? "He's never noticed the Botox, which saves us from fighting about it, but it also makes me question how effective this expensive treatment really is!"
Veronica sees her secret as liberating — it gives her a feeling of independence and mastery over her own body and life — but some deceptions are just plain burdensome, often creating more anxiety and distress than coming clean ever would. "I agonized about my secret for the first several months I was dating my now husband," says Cathy, 41. "I'm 10 years older than he is, and I was sure he would dump me if he found out." Her day of reckoning came when they joined Paul's mother for dinner at a Chinese restaurant. "She looked on the place mat and said, 'I was born in the year of the monkey. Which year are you?'" Cathy steeled herself and told the truth, revealing her age. "I was sure my boyfriend would break up with me, but he just laughed and said he didn't think I was too old for him. He was worried that I would think he was too young for me!" Proof that the truth has a way of coming out — and when you've got a partner you trust, it doesn't have to be so awful after all.
How to Spill a Secret
Here's the smart and sensitive way to tell your guy what you've been hiding:
Make an appointment. Don't just spring it on him — say, "I have something important to discuss with you. Can we find an hour tonight to talk?"
Pick the right spot. Avoid spilling in a crowded public place, like a restaurant, or your bedroom, which should be reserved for positive experiences. Find a safe, neutral spot, like the den or a park.
Be prepared to apologize. "The big mistake is trying to make it seem as if the revelation is no big deal," says marriage counselor Mira Kirshenbaum. "You need to say, 'I'm sorry, there's something I should have told you a long time ago, but I was ashamed to tell you. I hope you'll forgive me.'"
Enlist a third party. A major reveal works best with a referee. Recruit a friend you both trust — or in the case of the biggest bombshells, such as an affair, a marriage counselor.
*Names have been changed.
advertisement
In a perfect relationship, you wouldn't keep any secrets from your sweetie. And you'd never have to worry if he were keeping anything from you, because his life, too, would be an open book.
But we live in the real world, where even the healthiest couples sometimes hide things from each other. To most of us, the secret to end all secrets (and many marriages) is an affair — and no one will quibble with the devastating consequences of infidelity. Yet even "small" deceptions can rock a relationship, and it can be hard to draw the line between what's harmless and what's not.
After all, secret keeping is often about protection: A secret can be an attempt to shield yourself, by hiding something you don't want your partner to see (like old pictures of you before you had your deviated septum fixed), or it can be about shielding him from an unnecessary worry or fear (like how much you really dig your vibrator). And that's not all bad: A little mystery can be sexy. But how to tell what can stay safely tucked away and what calls for a confession? We asked experts to outline the rules for secret keeping (and sharing).
Secrets You Must Spill
If you want a relationship grounded in mutual trust (and who doesn't?), certain issues require full disclosure. "If something has a chance of impacting your partner's future or his life with you, then he has a right to know about it," says Mira Kirshenbaum, a relationship expert and author of Is He Mr. Right? This includes anything from the past that has reverberations in the present (lingering debts, a chronic medical condition, past sexual or emotional abuse), and anything in the present that could affect the future (a health scare, a potential downsizing at work).
As many couples find out too late, when you keep a secret that profoundly affects your family, you face a double whammy when the secret eventually — or inevitably — implodes: After the first shock wave from the hidden truth rips through the family, you're hit with the secondary tremors that come from the resulting feelings of betrayal and distrust. "My husband was running a retail Website, and he assured me it was doing well," recalls Karen,* a 39-year-old mom of two. "I thought I could stay home with my children and not have to worry about making money myself."
A year ago, however, Karen discovered that her husband's business was in the hole for more than $1 million, and he had taken out a line of credit against their house. The truth came out only when he announced that he would have to take an additional job. "I was furious!" Karen says. A year later, her family has begun recovering from the financial blow — they've settled in a new town, and her husband found a good job — but Karen is still dealing with her sense of hurt, anger, and betrayal. "He says he didn't tell me about it because he thought he could turn his business around, and he was just so embarrassed that he couldn't support our family. But I couldn't believe he left me in the dark for all those years," she says now.
When confronted with such a big, sudden revelation, it's natural to think, Why didn't you tell me? I'm the one person on earth who is supposed to understand! But the reasons men, in particular, keep secrets like these are multilayered, say the experts. They may, like Karen's husband, want to keep up an appearance of being strong and in control — out of fear that you'll stop loving them if you see them in a different, vulnerable light. They may be loath to deal with the turbulence they know their secret will unleash. And yes, some men may just hope that silence will help them avoid a fight. "Men are wary of women's emotional reactivity and usually shy away from conflicts," says REDBOOK Love Network expert Scott Haltzman, M.D., author of
The Secrets of Happily Married Men.
"They'll do anything to avoid making a woman furious, though they usually end up making things worse."
Dawn's story is a prime example of a husband's face-saving secret spinning out of control: "A couple of years ago, my husband, Paul, asked me if his friend could borrow our car," says Dawn, a 45-year-old mother of three. "I checked our insurance policy, found that we wouldn't be covered for another driver, and told him no." Paul lent the car anyway, and his friend hit a pedestrian. At first, Paul tried to keep the accident under wraps, dealing with the police report and insurance forms himself. But when the pedestrian decided to sue, Paul had no choice but to go to his wife — a lawyer — for help. "I felt like he had pulled the rug out from under me," says Dawn. She and Paul have been seeing a counselor to deal with the emotional fallout of his deception.
Even when your secret is something that seems minor to you, you must be open with your partner if it's related to a topic he's expressed curiosity or a strong opinion about. "As soon as you get serious with someone, sit down and ask him, 'Is there anything you want to know about me that I haven't told you yet?'" advises REDBOOK Love Network expert Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., author of Getting the Love You Want.
It's a clear-the-air strategy even long-term couples can use. And as counterintuitive as this may sound, the more likely your partner is to freak out about your secret, the more important it is that you confess, Hendrix adds, because if the truth about a sensitive subject comes out later, the rupture could be even more serious. Not only does your partner need all of this information to be able to make informed decisions about your life together, he also needs to know that you trust him enough to share it. "If you don't tell your partner about something, then you're really saying he's not wise enough, generous enough, or loving enough to handle it," says Kirshenbaum.
"And that can be deeply wounding."
Ilana found herself at a make-or-break moment several months into her relationship with her husband, Kevin. "When we started dating, Kevin made it very clear that he was antiabortion," says Ilana, 29, a mom of two. "Even though I'm pro-choice, I grew up in a very conservative family, and I respected his views. But I was worried about telling him that I had terminated a pregnancy in college. I wasn't going to lie about it, but I certainly wasn't going to offer up the information right away." When it became clear that their relationship was heading toward marriage, though, Kevin asked Ilana point-blank if she'd ever had an abortion. "I told him the truth, and he wasn't thrilled, but he accepted it as part of who I am, and we've never talked about it again," she says. "But it's a good thing I told him then, because a few years later, when I was in the hospital about to give birth to our daughter, every nurse and doctor who walked in to examine me or fill out a form asked how many previous pregnancies I'd had. It would have been horrible if he'd found out my secret while I was in the throes of labor."
Secrets to Consider Spilling
If you're honest with yourself, then it's not too hard to figure out which secrets fall into the "Red Light! Stop and Spill Everything" category. But what about the ones — especially those transgressions from your distant past — that belong in the murkier "Slow Down and Think Before You Spill" zone? On the one hand, if some embarrassing episode from your history is long past and has no impact on your life today, you can consider keeping your lips sealed. "My husband works in law enforcement, and he's totally on the straight and narrow, which is something I love about him," says Kimberly, 38. "I've never told him that I smoked pot a few times in college because it's something I would never do again, I didn't even enjoy the drug, and he's never asked me about it. Plus, the people who I partied with are so far removed from my life now that they probably don't even remember me. So why open a potential can of worms?"
And that brings up another important factor when weighing whether or not to tell. Murphy's Law of love says that the less you want a secret to be revealed, the more likely it is to suddenly spring up in your relationship like a jack-in-the-box, shouting, "Gotcha!" So consider this: Are there any pictures floating around on the Internet that might give you away? Any friends who have a habit of telling your somewhat sordid old stories after a couple of mojitos? How about an ex-lover who could potentially reappear? If there's any way your partner might accidentally learn your secret, it's better that you do the telling first. "Before we got married, my fiancé and I decided to tell each other about all our past lovers," says Allison, 29. "To my surprise, he admitted that he'd had sex a few times with a man before he realized that he was definitely not into guys. I thought, Wow, he's willing to be totally honest with me about everything, even on a topic most guys would completely deny."
Coming clean about your sexual past is a worthy goal — but Kirshenbaum warns that you must tread carefully. "You don't need to give the exact number of previous lovers or endless details about what you did with them," she says. "There's absolutely no point in filling your partner's head with mental images that can't be deleted." Allison admits that on "insecure days," the thought of her husband with another man sneaks its way back into her mind: "We've been married for three years now, but there have been days when I've asked him, ‘Have you ever thought of being with a guy again?' I once even asked if he would consider hooking up with his boring, unattractive, totally straight best friend! He gets upset that I would ever think he would cheat on me with anyone." As Allison learned, even secrets that bring you closer — and have nothing to do with the life that you're building together today — can cause uncomfortable aftershocks.
Shhh! Secrets That Won't Kill Him
Sure, as a rule, honesty is the best policy — we've been hearing it since grade school and it's still true. But anyone who's been in a long-term relationship knows that there is definitely some wiggle room when it comes to keeping a few personal tidbits to yourself, provided they are harmless and don't involve any outright lies. Maybe you earned a bonus or a little extra cash on eBay and spent it all on a new leather jacket without telling him; or he listens to Howard Stern on the radio on his way to work and doesn't tell you. "Even when we're married, we still have private selves," says Kirshenbaum. "It's healthy to have a sense that this is my personal business and no one else's." In fact, keeping an innocent little part of yourself off-limits can add some spark to your relationship — if he knew every last detail about your life, then what fun revelations could there possibly be in the future?
Some couples find that hanging a veil of secrecy over certain aspects of their lives helps make their marriages run much more smoothly. "For the first decade of our marriage, my husband and I fought over every purchase I made, from a bag of cleaning supplies to a new coat," says Laurel, 36. "Finally, I had this breakthrough — if he doesn't see a bill, he won't think about it! So now I use cash when I shop. If I want to buy a pair of shoes, and I can afford them, he doesn't have to know how much they cost. Believe me, everyone in the house is a lot happier now."
This kind of "don't ask, don't tell" domestic policy can help stabilize a relationship, says Hendrix, but consider this: "Some couples have these types of collusions, where they don't check with each other on their spending, and their marriage lasts 50 years," he observes. "But you're keeping that stability at the cost of a completely open relationship." So make sure you and your guy are on the same page — if you're both willing to trade complete candor for a bit of ignorance-is-bliss harmony, then there's no harm, and plenty of potential gain. But, Haltzman points out, this deal only works when it goes both ways — don't harass him about the cost of his new camera lens if you don't want him to ask you the price of that new handbag — and when it doesn't involve an area you are working on together, like a budget. "If your partner has expressed a desire to work cooperatively on something and you're still keeping information from him, then you've crossed that line," Haltzman says.
One clue that your secret is a healthy one: The evidence is usually hidden in plain sight. If your partner really wanted to know how much those shoes cost, he could notice the fancy label on the insole; if you really wanted to know what offensive radio show he was listening to, you could click on his preprogrammed radio stations next time you're in the car. Veronica, 38, has a secret that's literally written all over her face: "My husband has no idea I get Botox a couple of times a year," she says. "He's against anything cosmetic — in fact, he says I'm most beautiful right after a sweaty tennis match. But it's my body and my money." The irony? "He's never noticed the Botox, which saves us from fighting about it, but it also makes me question how effective this expensive treatment really is!"
Veronica sees her secret as liberating — it gives her a feeling of independence and mastery over her own body and life — but some deceptions are just plain burdensome, often creating more anxiety and distress than coming clean ever would. "I agonized about my secret for the first several months I was dating my now husband," says Cathy, 41. "I'm 10 years older than he is, and I was sure he would dump me if he found out." Her day of reckoning came when they joined Paul's mother for dinner at a Chinese restaurant. "She looked on the place mat and said, 'I was born in the year of the monkey. Which year are you?'" Cathy steeled herself and told the truth, revealing her age. "I was sure my boyfriend would break up with me, but he just laughed and said he didn't think I was too old for him. He was worried that I would think he was too young for me!" Proof that the truth has a way of coming out — and when you've got a partner you trust, it doesn't have to be so awful after all.
How to Spill a Secret
Here's the smart and sensitive way to tell your guy what you've been hiding:
Make an appointment. Don't just spring it on him — say, "I have something important to discuss with you. Can we find an hour tonight to talk?"
Pick the right spot. Avoid spilling in a crowded public place, like a restaurant, or your bedroom, which should be reserved for positive experiences. Find a safe, neutral spot, like the den or a park.
Be prepared to apologize. "The big mistake is trying to make it seem as if the revelation is no big deal," says marriage counselor Mira Kirshenbaum. "You need to say, 'I'm sorry, there's something I should have told you a long time ago, but I was ashamed to tell you. I hope you'll forgive me.'"
Enlist a third party. A major reveal works best with a referee. Recruit a friend you both trust — or in the case of the biggest bombshells, such as an affair, a marriage counselor.
*Names have been changed.
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
My First Day at College
When I first rolled into Trinity Western University in my parent’s minivan on O-Day oh-two, it was only my second time ever visiting the campus. The previous January, I had taken a quick tour in the middle of a snowstorm with a friendly Egyptian named Sam, but all I remembered from that were the hours for the Mail Centre (9 am to 5 pm, Monday – Friday, if you were wondering) . I knew I was showing up for something called “Orientation Week”, but the name didn’t offer many details on what my First Day at College was going to be like.
My first day at college! Well, “university”, I guess, but that sounds too elegant to get excited about. Hometown kids returning from the big city used to spout stories of their time away at college – but from those guys, there are really only two First Days at College stories: the one about beer, and the one about feeling horribly awkward. I’d never heard the one about being surrounded and engulfed by a raging sea of forcefully helpful people in Hawaiian shirts, so I guess that’s why I was a little surprised when Cathy Chapplow led her squadron of SOS leaders to my van, battered the doors down and started carting my belongings away, like an ant colony with guerilla tactics.
Stepping out of the van was like stepping into the Moulin Rouge, except instead of can-can girls and Ewan McGregor, there were a bunch of people in flowery t-shirts telling me how to get to “RNT”. I believe these people were trained to speak only in acronyms. All I really wanted to know was “Where’s my room?” and “Where can I store my boxes?”, but it was like trying to talk to C3PO. They’d all answer my questions with indecipherable strings of nonsense syllables, saying things like: “Go to RSC and ask your RA or SOS leader to get the RD to FUBAR the BQQ with the FHQWHGADS.”
For every new Confused New Person (“CNP”), there were at least three Helpful Happy People (or “HHP”’s, as I believe they prefer to be called), making it impossible to get to know anybody without accidentally being assisted with something. All us freshmen and freshladies got to wear these fancy laminated name-cards ( “FLNC”s) around our neck (“NECK”), which allowed us to introduce ourselves without even speaking out loud. This didn’t stop people from asking questions, though. By evening, I was hoarse from non-stop question-answering, but the only things I’d said all day were my name, major and hometown, repeated over and over again, like I was some strange mix between Jacob Two-Two and that guy from the Aviator.
It took a few weeks, but after a while, we all started to settle in. By “settle in”, I mean we started feeling confident and comfortable enough to complain about things freely. We all tried our hardest to make other people see and comprehend who we were and why we mattered, struttin’ around like chickens with our heads glued on, finding dorms and d-groups and teams and parties and girl/boyfriends and other means of proving we were all grown up. The funny thing is – and this is the part that you don’t find out till later – with motives like that, it all only proves the opposite.
Explanation: one day, second year, I visited the Career Centre (I think the actual acronym is CFLCACD) for some help with my resume. Of course, my rez. included a little info on what high school I went to. The lady helping me took one look at it, glanced up at me and said, “Honey? I hate to tell you this, but…high school doesn’t matter anymore.” And with that, she took her black Sharpie, slashed it across the page, and thus obliterated my entire secondary school experience.
So it’s like that. High-school’s done, and so are all the games you needed to play. It’s not that this place is forcing you to change or grow up, it just means you can start again. University’s a new life, and maybe you can take the chance to figure out the person you actually are, rather than just being what people told you to be. Make less time for proving yourself and more time for listening and learning and changing. Or as we like to say around here, “MLFPYAMTFLALAC.”
My first day at college! Well, “university”, I guess, but that sounds too elegant to get excited about. Hometown kids returning from the big city used to spout stories of their time away at college – but from those guys, there are really only two First Days at College stories: the one about beer, and the one about feeling horribly awkward. I’d never heard the one about being surrounded and engulfed by a raging sea of forcefully helpful people in Hawaiian shirts, so I guess that’s why I was a little surprised when Cathy Chapplow led her squadron of SOS leaders to my van, battered the doors down and started carting my belongings away, like an ant colony with guerilla tactics.
Stepping out of the van was like stepping into the Moulin Rouge, except instead of can-can girls and Ewan McGregor, there were a bunch of people in flowery t-shirts telling me how to get to “RNT”. I believe these people were trained to speak only in acronyms. All I really wanted to know was “Where’s my room?” and “Where can I store my boxes?”, but it was like trying to talk to C3PO. They’d all answer my questions with indecipherable strings of nonsense syllables, saying things like: “Go to RSC and ask your RA or SOS leader to get the RD to FUBAR the BQQ with the FHQWHGADS.”
For every new Confused New Person (“CNP”), there were at least three Helpful Happy People (or “HHP”’s, as I believe they prefer to be called), making it impossible to get to know anybody without accidentally being assisted with something. All us freshmen and freshladies got to wear these fancy laminated name-cards ( “FLNC”s) around our neck (“NECK”), which allowed us to introduce ourselves without even speaking out loud. This didn’t stop people from asking questions, though. By evening, I was hoarse from non-stop question-answering, but the only things I’d said all day were my name, major and hometown, repeated over and over again, like I was some strange mix between Jacob Two-Two and that guy from the Aviator.
It took a few weeks, but after a while, we all started to settle in. By “settle in”, I mean we started feeling confident and comfortable enough to complain about things freely. We all tried our hardest to make other people see and comprehend who we were and why we mattered, struttin’ around like chickens with our heads glued on, finding dorms and d-groups and teams and parties and girl/boyfriends and other means of proving we were all grown up. The funny thing is – and this is the part that you don’t find out till later – with motives like that, it all only proves the opposite.
Explanation: one day, second year, I visited the Career Centre (I think the actual acronym is CFLCACD) for some help with my resume. Of course, my rez. included a little info on what high school I went to. The lady helping me took one look at it, glanced up at me and said, “Honey? I hate to tell you this, but…high school doesn’t matter anymore.” And with that, she took her black Sharpie, slashed it across the page, and thus obliterated my entire secondary school experience.
So it’s like that. High-school’s done, and so are all the games you needed to play. It’s not that this place is forcing you to change or grow up, it just means you can start again. University’s a new life, and maybe you can take the chance to figure out the person you actually are, rather than just being what people told you to be. Make less time for proving yourself and more time for listening and learning and changing. Or as we like to say around here, “MLFPYAMTFLALAC.”
Thursday, May 3, 2007
Days were falling like leaves.
The summer of 1986 brought with it a new warm feeling. On March 3rd, I celebrated my 10th birthday; on 31st of the same month passed my primary exam; moved into a new house and a new neighbourhood; and in the early weeks of April, got admission in a new school which, unlike my previous school, had separate rooms for every class, electricity, fans and most important of all it had chairs to sit in.
New school brought new friends and there started the long history of my making friends. By the time summer vacations arrived, I had learnt that English wasn’t just reciting ABC, it was a language one could speak. During the holidays I formed a Cricket Club in my neighbourhood and… do I have to tell you who became the captain of the team. After a few matches I named it “Ittehad (Unity) Cricket Club” for it was the only thing missing in my team.
At that time of my age I was concrete in my mind that I was to become an astronaut. There was one minor problem though, I just didn’t know how to become one.
One day in 1987, my science teacher caught me squinting my eyes and glaring at the blackboard and informed my father. In the next few days, I was wearing glasses. I shouldn’t have been sitting in the last row I guess. But then I was always a backbencher; you can’t play games in the front rows or can you?
The community of my friends had started enlarging. Asher became my best friend ever. We witnessed countless sunsets together, standing on a dirty footpath of a busy street or sitting on a broken bench in a deserted park; we dreamed of making a difference one day. That day is still to come.
College__ this one word had all the charm in the world and in 1991, I finally got there; Government Gordon College, Rawalpindi. During that stay of four years in the college, I made many life lasting friends, played a lot of cricket, wandered all over the places, started going to cinema, skipped classes, had arguments with teachers, was thrown out of the classroom, stood first in my college in graduation, and in the final year, had my first ever crush.
Once in every three times that I saw her, she was wearing a shade of brown. It was raining the day I first saw her. After that it kept on raining and she kept on appearing like a rainbow from nowhere. Then one day it stopped raining, she disappeared and never came back. I still like rain and adore brown color.
It wasn’t until 1996 I realized that I could write. Inspiration came from Saadat Hasan Manto whose writings made me think and write. And then there were Gulzar, Javed Akhtar, Earnest Hemmingway and Krishan Chander. I particularly admire Gulzar for he writes the language in which I dream. It was a rainy day (again) of that year when I wrote my first ever short story the house. Since then rain has become a vital part of my writing.
And rain looked even more beautiful when in February 1997, I took admission in Quaid_I_Azam University, Islamabad. I became a part of the 1997-99 session of the Department of International Relations. I wasn’t a backbencher any more, now I would sit in the third row. So what if there were only four rows in the class. Again I found good friends there and good teachers as well. Sir Imran Hameed’s viva sessions would always remain in my memory as a pleasant tension.
Looking back at all those years, I find a lot to remember and to cherish. Life has taken many twists and turns but it has always been beautiful. My parents have always extended their unconditional trust towards me. And my friends have always been there for me with their untiring company. I have named this page About Us instead of About Me, as a tribute to all those who have treaded with me even for one step.
Once there was a time where every morning I would ask myself, when would life start? Now, life starts every day. There are so many things waiting to be done, so many stories waiting to be written. I owe a lot to life and to God.
Days are falling like leaves.
New school brought new friends and there started the long history of my making friends. By the time summer vacations arrived, I had learnt that English wasn’t just reciting ABC, it was a language one could speak. During the holidays I formed a Cricket Club in my neighbourhood and… do I have to tell you who became the captain of the team. After a few matches I named it “Ittehad (Unity) Cricket Club” for it was the only thing missing in my team.
At that time of my age I was concrete in my mind that I was to become an astronaut. There was one minor problem though, I just didn’t know how to become one.
One day in 1987, my science teacher caught me squinting my eyes and glaring at the blackboard and informed my father. In the next few days, I was wearing glasses. I shouldn’t have been sitting in the last row I guess. But then I was always a backbencher; you can’t play games in the front rows or can you?
The community of my friends had started enlarging. Asher became my best friend ever. We witnessed countless sunsets together, standing on a dirty footpath of a busy street or sitting on a broken bench in a deserted park; we dreamed of making a difference one day. That day is still to come.
College__ this one word had all the charm in the world and in 1991, I finally got there; Government Gordon College, Rawalpindi. During that stay of four years in the college, I made many life lasting friends, played a lot of cricket, wandered all over the places, started going to cinema, skipped classes, had arguments with teachers, was thrown out of the classroom, stood first in my college in graduation, and in the final year, had my first ever crush.
Once in every three times that I saw her, she was wearing a shade of brown. It was raining the day I first saw her. After that it kept on raining and she kept on appearing like a rainbow from nowhere. Then one day it stopped raining, she disappeared and never came back. I still like rain and adore brown color.
It wasn’t until 1996 I realized that I could write. Inspiration came from Saadat Hasan Manto whose writings made me think and write. And then there were Gulzar, Javed Akhtar, Earnest Hemmingway and Krishan Chander. I particularly admire Gulzar for he writes the language in which I dream. It was a rainy day (again) of that year when I wrote my first ever short story the house. Since then rain has become a vital part of my writing.
And rain looked even more beautiful when in February 1997, I took admission in Quaid_I_Azam University, Islamabad. I became a part of the 1997-99 session of the Department of International Relations. I wasn’t a backbencher any more, now I would sit in the third row. So what if there were only four rows in the class. Again I found good friends there and good teachers as well. Sir Imran Hameed’s viva sessions would always remain in my memory as a pleasant tension.
Looking back at all those years, I find a lot to remember and to cherish. Life has taken many twists and turns but it has always been beautiful. My parents have always extended their unconditional trust towards me. And my friends have always been there for me with their untiring company. I have named this page About Us instead of About Me, as a tribute to all those who have treaded with me even for one step.
Once there was a time where every morning I would ask myself, when would life start? Now, life starts every day. There are so many things waiting to be done, so many stories waiting to be written. I owe a lot to life and to God.
Days are falling like leaves.
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